“‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first." -Revelation 2:2-5 ESV
For weeks now, there has been an ache in my soul I cannot understand.
There has been a slow and subtle loss of my joyful and spirit-filled outlook on this world.
There has been an emptiness that I cannot shake.
A fear I cannot overcome.
God, I cannot do this. God, I cannot leave my momma behind. God, why is my brother hurting? God, why does my family not look like I want it to? God, why is your gospel not enough for my coworkers? God, $15,500 is a big number. God, I keep hurting people. God, sometimes my own pleasure pleases me more than Your love does.
Stop.
Stop talking.
Stop doubting.
Stop rationalizing.
Just stop.
I almost didn't wake up to go to church today. I almost decided to roll over and forget the world, forget community, forget worship. I couldn't do it, though. Something told me to get up and start believing again that the church and the people in it are capable of being real.
And so I went. I hugged a friend today that means the world to me, and my heart began to feel lighter. I sat down in front of a teacher I respect and listened to his raw and honest perspective of the the book of Job. I saw the tears in his eyes as he begged us to see that God wanted Job's repentance, and He wants ours too to bring us closer to Him. I felt my heart start to beat again. I was reminded that no matter how many times I choose my own desires, my own self over God, He is always waiting with open arms to show me that I am clean. I am new. I am pure. I am covered in the blood of Christ. I felt my heart soar. I was also reminded that I will be required to give an account of what I have done with the time I've been given on this earth. My heart stuttered in it's race, and I recognized how much time has been wasted avoiding coming to the feet of the only One who can heal me.
I walked into a chapel and stood among a body of believers and sang songs of adoration to my King. My heart was flooded with actual affection for the first time in a long time. I swayed and I stomped my feet and I lifted my hands and I kept my eyes sealed shut. I lost myself in the music and for the duration of that praise, I felt whole and imagined myself surrounded by thousands of angels worshipping God on His throne in heaven. Then we sat, and we prayed for the offering and then we stood again to sing one more song.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Over and over we sang those words out and as every line fell from my lips I felt chains breaking. They slipped away from me as my Father engulfed me with His love and affection. He whispered, "I am better. I am more. I am enough. I will increase your faith. I will lead you. Trust me."
We sat down again and Pastor Johnny read those lines from Revelation 2 and I couldn't believe it. I was a direct reflection of the church at Ephesus. I had abandoned the love I had at first while continuing to do all the right things on the outside. My heart, that had laid dormant in my chest for too many weeks, fluttered to life again.
The beauty of abandoning my first love, is that He will never leave nor forsake me.
The beauty of the cross is that even when my narcissism seems to triumph, I am reminded that it is a battle already finished.
The beauty of the gospel is that even when I chose myself, my wants, my pleasure and I am left lonely, hurting, aching, and empty… Jesus is still there.
The beauty of my sin haunting me, is that it leads me to repentance. To new beginnings. To fresh starts. To new days. To deep breaths. To kneeling at the throne of my savior. To brushing off the ashes I've risen from. To opening my eyes to the reality that God has more for me than I could ever ask or imagine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
Will I fail again? Will I lose my way again? Will my heart despair again? Will I doubt again? Will I hurt again? Will I choose myself again?
If I was meant to know every detail of the plan for my life, I would. What is greater than being all-knowing, is serving the only One who is capable of having that knowledge and using it for my good. He asks, "Do you really trust me, Taylor? To bring healing to your family. To provide every penny for the Race. To dig up the ugly secrets you try to hide from Me and fill those holes with My Spirit? To remind you that your scars are only evidence that I've healed you? Do you really trust me to do all of that, and more, as I see fit?"
I am good at putting on a brave face, but at the end of the day glass slippers fall off, the carriage turns back into a pumpkin and I am left running from myself. Today I was reminded that a life in the control of Taylor Blankstein is a meaningless one. It is a flawed one. It is an unhappy one. While my problems and my doubts and my fears have not been vanished by a fairy godmother, they have been covered and seen by the one true God. It feels good and right and perfect and all of the thousands of incredible adjectives that could be used to describe the lover of my soul.
Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first.
Pastor Johnny asked this question, "Do you really love Jesus? Because you'll move heaven and earth to please the one you love".
Consider this as a step in the right direction to move the heavens and the earth to please the One I love.
