My time in Costa Rica was beautiful, spirit-filled and much too short.
I saw people fighting for their faith no matter what their physical life looked like on the outside. They saw each gift that God has given them and they used them to encourage and challenge those around them. They inspired me, as the communities I serve along this race always do. Surprisingly, or I guess unsurprisingly, the ones I’m inspired by the most are my fellow-racers, my permanent community on this journey. They see things in me that I’ve never been able to see in myself, and they call that out and ask me to take a deeper look at who I am.
Throughout the past four and half months, I’ve struggled with the same struggle I’ve been struggling with for what seems like my lifetime: self-image.
To make a long story short, I’ve always been extremely hard on myself and never satisfied with my appearance.
Too tall.
Too fat.
Not athletic enough.
Not pretty enough.
Nothing worth remembering.
Ugly.
I’ve torn myself down for so long, that the voices telling me I’m nothing worth looking at sound like truth. It no longer felt like a beating, but more like a simple fact that is unchangeable. I think that’s the scariest part: that I had become so used to telling myself what I believed to be true about myself, that I stopped feeling bad about it and simply accepted that as my reality.
My perspective began to take a radical shift in Guatemala.
Someone made a culturally acceptable joke that was completely unacceptable to a girl who looks in the mirror and sees nothing satisfying.
Michael, my squad leader, sat us down and essentially fought for us to believe that we are beautiful, and deserve to be treated as such.
Earlier that week we attended a funeral. It was the first dead body I had ever seen. Michael said, “It’s interesting to see the body after the person has left it. It’s just a shell”.
It’s just a shell.
That statement changed the way I saw my body forever.
I am not defined by my outward appearance or whether I think it is physically appealing or not. Who I am is found in my soul. I dwell in my flesh, but my personality and my gifts and my heart are all found in the spirit.
I fought for the next three months to make that truth my reality. I began to look at my body as something to be cared for, because it is my spirit’s shelter.
In Costa Rica the fight reached it’s climax. I couldn’t accept that I was beautiful, and I was using working out as a way to punish my body into a form my warped view of beauty could accept.
This internal struggling came to its peak at a mall. It sounds silly, but I was beating myself up because I wanted to eat pizza for lunch. I had paralyzed myself with the fear of how I would see myself after eating it, and I couldn’t get up from the table to order anything. Sarah Kathryn sat across from me, and she was so sweet as tears pooled in my eyes and flooded down my cheeks.
I called my mom on Face Time, and when I asked her what I should do she laughed at me the way she does when I’m acting silly. “Eat the dang pizza, Taylor. Enjoy your life, and take care of yourself.”
I got up from the table, and Michael walked up to me. He said a few things that would continue to change the way I saw my body and the way I viewed beauty.
I’m sorry you’ve bought into the lies that America wants you to believe about beauty.
I’m sorry you don’t see how beautiful you are.
You ARE beautiful.
I walked away from the mall that day sick of letting this thing control me. It had its grip wrapped tight around me for so long. I was over it.
I began working out, and throughout the workouts I thanked God for every part of my body.
Thank you God for lungs that breathe without issue.
Thank you God for a heart that beats fast and strong.
Thank you God for legs that run when I need them to.
Thank you God for arms that hold others steady.
Thank you God for a belly that could be the shelter for a child someday.
Thank you God for a mind that is capable of choosing.
I am beautiful.
Beautifully made in the image of my Heavenly Father who loves me.
Beautifully made for purposes far greater than I could ever think or imagine.
Beautifully made to tell those left hurting and forgotten that they are beautiful too.
Beautifully made to enjoy this life, and enjoy it to the fullest. No matter how silly or crazy or radical it may seem.
And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” (Revelation 21:5 ESV)
