The weight of the life I have chosen has been dwelling on my heart. I feel the weight of every surrender, every small sacrifice.
No, I’m not talking about my choice to go on the Race, but instead the life I chose years ago when I gave my heart to Christ.
I’ve come to realize that the World Race is less about sacrificing and giving, and while those are certainly part of my experience, it is more about self-discovery and taking hold of what Abba promised long ago and made accessible to us on the cross.
My growth on the Race hasn’t come from manual labor, loving on kiddos, or even evangelizing, but instead it’s come in the time I spend with the Father. It’s come from the quiet and stillness and rest where I finally give Him the space to speak into me.
In the rest, He is able to speak into places I didn’t even realize were broken, He’s able to open my eyes to a part of scripture I’ve read a million times but He gives it new and real meaning, He’s able to break my heart for the community up the street, the lost, the hurting, the sick, the searching, and for my community back home that I so desire to draw ever closer to the Creator.
He is changing my heart, the way I think and the way I see the world. And it is so good, but, guys, it’s really hard too.
The best analogy I can think of for where I am right now is the labor in childbirth.
I’m in spiritual labor right now, there’s pain in the process, grieving for the way my life used to be, and so much overwhelming hope for what is to come.
There is grieving because as I get closer to the Father, His desires are becoming my desires, and with that, the things that I love that He doesn’t find joy in, I don’t find joy in anymore.
My relationships with friends, Andrew, and my family are going to be different when I get home because there are parts of our relationships that are so opposite to the spirit inside me.
The shows, movies and comedians that I love don’t give me the same joy because of that one steamy scene or that running joke that glorifies lust or pornography.
The ability that I had to go to church on Sunday and live the rest of my week without the Lord, and the ability to hear the Spirit’s still, small whisper and ignore it, are gone.
I will let my heart be broken. I will let the Lord show me how to love the people I cherish and adore differently. I will give up my favorite show to protect my heart and thoughts so I can glorify the Lord in all things. I will give every second of my time, every piece of my sinful self to the Kingdom. Because for some reason the Lord sees past my sin, selfishness, lust, frustration and everything that is opposite of His nature, and chooses to see me as His beloved child, a beautiful part of the Kingdom, and best of all, He sees through all my faults and failings and He sees Himself.
The cost and weight of following Jesus is new to me, but even still, through each surrender and each labor pain, He is good and I will endure by faith.
