"… One day she’ll feel the pressure to be good enough, to be holy enough, to be quiet enough, or wise enough, or all the 'enoughs' that fill our head & make us neurotic about who we are & how we should live. The 'enoughs' make me tired.
… Because in all the 'enoughs' we begin to lose ourselves in order to be something else, something better, something expected. So far from who we really are that when we fall apart, we just give up. We stop trying. We think, 'why bother, I will never change.'
And the lie sinks in deep & we believe it for so long, & man it hurts.
But here comes the upside, the so unbelievably bright side: when you are just done, & broken, & tired, you've made it.
… When you are broken enough & tired enough & angry enough that you just can’t mold yourself, fix yourself, do better, be better, when you are just done, grace is lavished on you like nothing you’ve ever experienced.
The world opens up & humility surrounds you & compassion overtakes you because you realize that life is just so hard. And everyone is facing a hard battle. And instead of trying to be kind, you just become kind.
And you become grace to others.
Because that’s what the Spirit does in a broken beautiful one: He does the work, you just accept the molding.
… And when you realize how much you can’t change yourself, you can see others as broken beautiful ones as well who are just trying to make it through this hard life, & you just want to love them & nod your head at them & say, 'I know, I know. And I love you just the same.'"
-Ann Voskamp
This month in South Africa, I finally came to terms with the fact that brokenness is okay.
It is good.
It is needed.
The first three months of this journey were not so glamorous. I wished away each day. I thought I was so unworthy of this mission trip God had “supposedly” called me on. It seemed like I didn’t even have a voice anymore.
I began to believe the lies.
I don’t know enough about the Bible. How am I supposed to share the gospel with girls being sold for sex in Thailand, children in Cambodia, or adults in Vietnam that were raised only knowing how to pray to Buddha?
How does the Holy Spirit even work? I don’t have enough confidence to pray out loud, much less to random people who might not even understand English.
“Why am I here? Are you even real?”
Day after day this is all I could really talk to God about. It was exhausting.
Finally in the heat of a Cambodian village I broke down. After a week of sitting in my tent wishing all of these feelings would go away I realized I had a choice. Either I stay and fight to become a changed person or I give up like I’ve done many times before.
My team helped to fight for me when I didn’t have the strength to do it myself. They spoke life into me and prayed teary-eyed prayers because they love me. This is when I truly became thankful for community.
God honored my obedience. The first time I breathed in the South African air, it felt like I was breathing in the Holy Spirit. I had a feeling that all the brokenness I experienced in Asia would come to pass. God was ready to start teaching me new things about Him. I had to realize that I am broken and desperately in need of Jesus.
