I have sat down to write my next blog numerous times, and each time I write out whatever I feel needs to be said, but I haven’t posted any of it. Every time I go back to the last one I tried to write, and completely throw out the whole thing because I don’t think it describes where I am or what is going on.
So I’m gonna be real for a minute. The first three drafts of this blog were mainly just complaining. No matter what cool photos I post or how awesome my Instagram and Facebook look, this month has been hard. Really hard. We sweat constantly, I don’t sleep much at night because of the heat, we have virtually no control over what we eat, and I don’t feel like I am being filled spiritually.
We have had some great adventures, we went to Devils Pool and Victoria Falls the other day. We found a hotel that we can hang out at for pretty cheap and swim in their pool and use their internet. We have had some great bonding moments as a team and tons of laughs. Our weekly schedule involves two off days and five days of ministry. Our off days are Monday and Tuesday, one for rest and one for adventure. Saturday and Sunday mornings we have church two different places, and then virtually nothing to do in the afternoon. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday mornings we have been doing door to door evangelism with a local church pastor. The frustrating part is that we only do ministry for about two hours every day, and then we are free to do pretty much whatever. The last few days, it has been naps every afternoon and laying around trying to figure out what a good use of our time is.
Hours of free time sounds great right? Except I feel like I’m not doing anything productive. I talk with a couple people about Jesus, most of whom are already Christians, and pray with them after we talk for about five minutes. We did a VBS last week which was three hours in the morning of sitting next to kids as someone else told them about God, then played outside for a half an hour before they went home. Because of the abundance of time we have, it leaves so much time to think. Time to think about Christmas and everything that I am missing. Time to think about whatever little comment was made a week ago and read way too far into it and feel frustrated with my team mates. Time to sit and wallow in self pity. Time to get frustrated with everything going on.
Because we are white people, everyone here immediately targets us for money. Jewelry sellers on the street. Poor kids in front of the grocery store. Anyone that is trying to sell anything, obviously the white folk have tons of extra money and things to give away!
I could complain about the heat and humidity and share about how I haven’t stopped sweating for the past two weeks. I could share how my stomach has been in knots the last four days and I constantly feel light headed and dizzy. I could say that I feel completely and utterly useless here. I could share how I have cried almost every day of the past week for pretty much no reason. I could share how I’m scared for our team changes next month. I have been with these other three girls since the beginning, and the idea of doing this Race without even one of them brings me to tears. Sure, I absolutely love everyone on my squad and I am excited to get to know other people in the way that I know these ladies. We joined with three other girls this month, and it’s been so cool getting to know them too. But I don’t want this to change. I don’t want to have to start over getting to know people and figure out how we work together.
I wish this blog ended with me saying that I was reminded of God’s goodness or something and I found joy in the small moments and that I was drawing whatever I could from what we do. I wish that I could say that spending Christmas in Africa is an amazing experience. I wish I could finish with an awesome story or revelation.
Everything isn’t always what it should look like. Sometimes ministry is super fulfilling, and sometimes it isn’t. I know that God is gonna use this time to do something great, but right now I just can’t see what that great thing is. But God is faithful, and His promises still are true even if we can’t see how they are gonna work out for good.
There are flies in the bathrooms and I take showers with spiders. I hand wash my clothes and am covered in mosquito bites. I never stop sweating and I don’t sleep much, but this is what I signed up for. I signed up to let go of my life, my time, and my expectations. I signed up for nine months of discomfort and frustration and I’m sure getting that now. I signed up for nine months of telling other people about Jesus, no matter what that looks like or how much or how little time is spent on it. The important thing is that I am here. I am sitting in Africa, almost halfway through the Race, and I have done everything I can.
I am here, and God is using me. The end.
