Hi, my name is Tara and I have an arrogance problem. (Hi, Tara.)
Well, that’s hard to swallow…
Yes, I realize that I wear my pride like a gold medal around my neck every day. It wasn’t until this past Wednesday that I even looked down to see that I had it on. Worse, that I’ve been putting it on every day for quite some time now. (I don’t even know the first time I put it on, to tell you the truth.)
“When pride comes, the comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2
Most days, I’ve actually been carrying this disgustingly dirty old medal clinched in my teeth. It is through my speech habits that my pride exposes its true grit and I had no idea. It took a few key people in this new group of strangers that I now call friends from the Race to share how my words can affect others.
One way this plays out is always being the first to share a thought, idea, or opinion. My mind is constantly churning and it is easy for me to toss the first words into the pile after a question or discussion is opened. It’s not necessarily a negative thing, but people have noted that they often do not share their ideas or contribute because they know I’ll have an idea or that I’ve already said everything. Wow, how ugly. I truly do not desire to stifle other’s ability to contribute to conversation. But, hey, there is that medal telling me all my thoughts must be shared so people can hear what I have to say because, obviously, what I say is important because I have this medal. Ugly. And then there’s tone. Oh, how it can expose emotions behind our words. It must be the sour taste of this dirty metal in my mouth that twisted my words out in ways that were truly unintentional. I want my words to be sweet, not sour.
“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” Proverbs 16:24
If the medal hasn’t been in my mouth, then I’ve been standing on it like a perch, just observing the world from the top of my pride medal. I’m laughing at myself for how ridiculous of imagery that is, but also hanging my head for how ugly this out-of-body picture plays out.
A lot of choices I’ve made have been to keep myself on my perch. To make myself righteous. To be self-righteous. Ugly. For instance, if someone hurt my feelings I would typically brush it off, avoid the conflict, “be the bigger person” and move on. Yea, I’ll say right here on top of my medal with that move. But, when I step down in humility and admit that there is an issue by confronting the situation, I found more growth and peace. I’ve been trying to live “above” so many things for so long and it is because I’ve been glued to the medal under my feet. Also, I couldn’t make apologies on my perch. So, now I’ve come down off my medal to begin humbling myself through apologies that I couldn’t see were needed up there.
“The fear of the Lord is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes before honor.” Proverbs 15:33
And on the other days, I’ve been holding the medal in my hands, staring at it so intently, so focused, so close to my face while examining it, that it effected my ability to see the people around me. How would I make it/me noticed today, how could I make myself more proud today (ha, like I needed that…), what could I do to put some more shine on this rusting thing today? A few situations come to mind where this has hindered or hurt friendships, my care for others, or even caused jealousy. UGLY.
“A tranquil heart give life to the flesh, but jealousy makes the bones rot.” Proverbs 14:30
And the worst thing about this stupid medal that hung around my neck is that is blocked my heart from The Lord, from Jesus, from my Heavenly Father who wants to win my heart over everything else- over even myself. He was able to reach the edges of my heart, but the core was blocked by this piece of tin I fooled myself to believe was pure gold, to believe mattered for some reason. But all that matters is that I am so loved, so adored, so embraced by God in his affection for me as his daughter. I am His beautiful daughter that needs no medal to make Him proud, no perch so He can see me, and that I should focus my energy on pouring out, calling out, shouting out His love with every word that leaves my lips.
“Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:3-8
So, today I have tossed this thing overboard to the ocean depths just like the woman at the end of “Titanic.” Actually, I’ve chucked it with all my might and tied it to an anchor just to be sure. I am thankful it is at the age of 24 and not 90-something because I can begin refining my speech, my humble walk, my heart for others now. And I already feel so much prettier in my heart!
“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Proverbs 31:25-26
