This week I am sharing some of the personal lessons I’ve had during this year of discipleship, growth, and servanthood. I hope you enjoy this mini-blog series!
What topic of conversation would you guess rises to the surface when you gather up 41 attractive single people in their mid-twenties? (See attractiveness below.)
Dating.
I mean, it’s no surprise in my mind because God wired us to be in relationships on many levels and we are in that age range where our culture “settles down,” the age where you start to look around the room at the other “eligibles” a bit more seriously.
But, not on the Race.
Nope. Not us. We don’t do that. We even signed a contract with a “Singleness Clause” to agree that we would shut off that part of our heart for the year and turn it all over to God because think about how complicated all those dating scenarios could get. I signed it so it must be that easy, right? Just don’t think about men romantically for year. (We’ve actually spent many nights over the year talking about what makes a good marriage and the likes.)
Note that all of us participating this year are normal human beings that have past hurts, baggage, active emotions, and fairytale dreams of romance. (Ok, that last one mainly falls on the female perspective.) Many participants on the race, through our 24/7 community life with one another, are able to restore, repair, and regrow a healthy perspective of what God’s design is meant to look like between men and women. A contributing factor to this environment for heart-healing is the singleness clause on our participant agreement.
But what’s been the biggest lesson for me?
Prior to signing my name on the line, I had been mostly single for the past many years. I’ve had a few interests in guys, great guys, but ultimately stayed single. So I had this idea in my head that I was a champ at being “Miss Independent” and sort of attached that to my identity. Secretly though, I’ve always been straining for attention from men but didn’t see the undertones pointing to this fact.
In little ways, I would seek attention from guys, but not in any way that would take us on a road to commitment. It was all pretty harmless- a compliment here or there, a few sweet messages. But each time gave me enough fuel in my love-tank to keep me just above “E.” I had conditioned myself to living with the gas-light on. But after just 2 months on the race, I found my needle below the empty mark and there were no more fumes left in the pipes. (We really put our agreement into play, and I’m thankful for that.)
Something else to note is that my brain is in a constant wild web of story building, yea it’s a fun ride! But it can get me into trouble, mainly in this territory of relationships. Guys would do little things that then trigger a fairytale to ignite in my mind. I know these aren’t real and that God is totally in the driver’s seat for my life, but these stories gave me comfort. I was cheating on the hope God gives me with the hope from these fantasy ideas of where life could lead with any of these “potentials.” This started happening in El Salvador in Month 3, March. I sought some trusted friends for accountability (I urge everyone to have great accountability partners in life to help keep you on track) and prayed for my mind to calm down and my heart to be sealed for the remainder of the trip.
Next up, an all girls team!! I was excited to break the storylines, but hello regular (FREE!!) internet access. Soon, I noticed that what I thought were harmless lines tossed out, were actually my heart strings being tossed out for other fish to bite- other fish that were not on the Race. Gosh, why did I keep seeking attention?! I was so annoyed by this habit that I set up some boundaries for myself to reel back in these lines.
It’s been harder than I would like to admit at times to break free from this pick-me-up pattern. I have even come up with a catch phrase in my brain to say, “Tara, turn it off.”’ When I feel in my heart that I am going to do something, not because I purely want to, but because I know a guy will notice me, I say that phrase and shut her down. And I am human and am learning a lot about paying more attention to my emotions and the truth that they point to.
I was able to email my mom at one point when I needed some help sorting out all of these new discoveries and she sent this wonderful advice that has given me true freedom from all of the craziness I just described.
“I know without a doubt, the person you are meant to be with will probably notice you first (because you’re are so beautiful inside and out) and will come when unexpected.”
With her awesome words (that made me cry because they meant so much) and the promises I hold from God, I’m charging forward with confidence wholly rooted in who I am. Thanks to the fellas on C-Squad for being true gentleman that treat us all so respectfully and haven’t succumb to all those fishing lines we might be unknowingly throwing out. That takes a different kind of strength that garners more respect than I have words to share. To all the other singles, make sure you can run on empty and see that you are actually sustained by the love of God which cannot be measured. Then, I believe, the love we will fuel up with (“the one”) will be a higher grade than any previous source.
