Life here is different. I have now been in
Guatemala for over four weeks and realize how far away from home I am. Of course I can find some things that resemble home-great vanilla lattes, puma shoes, Special K, and an occasional Ford Explorer that passes by. It is so easy to think of the comforts of home, but God is allowing me to appreciate the things that I think are “different.”Even being gone for only a month, the pot hole roads are expected, smoothies with no ice taste good, and riding in the back of a truck is a way to experience rapid air conditioning. It is all different, yet a way of life. This new way of life has perks and “pot holes” everyday. It is in living this new way of life that I finding myself–finding myself.
I know the things that I love at home: movie night with the fam, warm showers, rockin friends, Kennedy Coffee etc. That’s easy. But finding what truly brings satisfaction in an environment so far away from home brings what we call dependence. So what am I depending on?
Definitely not myself! I thought I knew all lot of me and I thought that I can depend on a part me, but that is what my step-dad would say is my problem, “I thought”J. God is showing me that I must find who I am in Him. And that is what requires dependence. Since I am finding that I can only go so far, I am willing to lose all (risk all) so that I can gain all. It is a type of dependence that I have never fully entered into. It is me giving up all control and finally letting God take my “yoke” so that I can have His (which is soooo much lighter). It is giving my burden to God and so that I may become a much stronger tower.
God is asking me right now to give all burdens to Him. I mean ALL. Any burdens that I have carried for others and for myself. He wants to be Lord in my life. So as this epiphany/resolution came to mind, my days have seemed lighter. Conversations are being led more by the Spirit than by my own voice. I am not trying to play “Ms. Fix It” for my team or be the glue (which doesn’t always hold). I must allow God to do that. I might still be used as a tool in these areas, but as a hammer hitting a nail and not a screw. I now must be used to my full purpose.
In my life I have been building a fortress that might be layered with some of God and some of me. It looks good. May seem sturdy; but it is slowly crashing down. God gave me a picture that He is taking a baseball bat and hitting away parts of the tower that are not of Him. He is doing this so that He can finally build a tower that is much sturdier and way more beautiful than I could ever imagine. It hurts. Anything that is being torn down within hurts, but what is left is a foundation that can present a tower that will last even the toughest of times. I must allow this process to happen. I can’t stop it. It would not be wise and God has given me the hope of what I will look like when He is done. The hope I see is from the inside out.
I may have made my tower with dipped gold, but God wants it to be pure gold. No more dross. He is melting away me so that I can be found blameless.
Ahhhhh what a process it will be and has been but will keep you posted along the journey. I will need prayer as I enter in. Life here will remain different. I will still find new things I will grow to love. I think one might be the new me. I guess becoming different is a way of life.
