This morning I woke up with this deep level of contentment, an internal bliss superseded by emotion. It was a morning of releasing my own rights, and truly letting go of myself, once more relinquishing my plans to the Lord. I died again this morning and awoke in a euphoric blissful state of being. It was easier this time to take a deep breath and let everything go. I felt maybe for the first time in my life I actaully did let go of everything, not just in words but in the truest places of my soul. I am free and mostly free from myself.
I am sitting here gazing out the window at the cold crisp air and the leaveless trees, sipping tea with milk and sugar, watching the steam rise off of the glass mug. The chair I am sitting in is cozy like one you would sit in at your grandma’s house, pink uphoulstered cushions surrounded by dark wood. I am chatting with my amazing name twin sister, Tara and Josh as we eat our breakfast and I am sharing with them my new revelation. Somehow the conversation just flows to deep places and it is easy, not forced or contrived. It is in this moment that I just embrace my mornings revelation and smile somewhere underneath my skin as contenment overwhelms my being and joy encompasses me entirely.
I am thankful that God brought me here, to London, as well as to this place of bliss beyond emotion. You see God prepared me for this day while we were in Bangkok, stranded for a week. Most days I spent time sitting on the roof talking to God while I focused on the way the wind blew the tall stalks of grass in the distance. God spoke to me as I leaned over the rooftop watching the grass blow and dance across the earth. He spoke to me about perpective and how our whole life we spend looking at everything through the same lens, the same angle, never changing our paradigms, or perspecitves. But, what if the mystery lies in seeing those blades of grass dancing from a new angle? What if I could fly like a bird, what would the blades of grass be speaking then? Would I see an artistic masterpiece that I was previously blinded to because I did not shift my position.
God continued to speak to me through the grass as it blew in the wind and another question filled my mind. What if you spent your whole life resisting the wind from blowing you over? You would be so focused on not moving, not bending, that you would never receive and become what you were intended to become. And, more than that you would block the wind from blowing the other blades of grass behind you, therefore, hindering them to receive. I stood there imaginging myself blowing in the wind comletely letting go of any area I was trying to control, or hold on to. I was learning to BE and to be content in BEING.
Just days later we heard the news that we would no longer be heading to Africa, but to London. Now, prior to this new sense of contentment and trust I would have been frustrated, probably cried out of my own selfish ambition. Why? Because, I love Africa and in the past that has been a place where I have come ALIVE. So, the anticipation of going back to Africa was in the forefront of my mind. However, when I heard the news I rejoiced as I found out we were heading to London. It was this new perspective that changed me and allowed me to see the mystery of it all. Instead of being upset that we would be spending less time in Africa, I embraced it and was truly thankful for the change even though I did not undertand it. I did understand one thing, the wind was much more involved and the current was taking me under it’s beautiful spell.
So now I am in London watching my own breath dissipate into the air as my fingers and toes once again know what cold feels like. I don’t normally like the cold. What is happening to me? And, I smile at the thought of this question. Because the answer is I am blowing. I am no longer holding on to these things that I thought defined me. I am no longer who I once thought I was, or who I have tried to make myself be. I am what I am, letting the wind engulf all of me in this magical overtaking of enchantment.
