Craving Comfort over
God
I realized I was craving comfort over God. I hit a breaking point and instead of
my usual self, you know the happy go-lucky, everything is always peachy all the
time me, I just couldn’t take it anymore.
Let me just paint the scene for you. I am laying in my tent after just taking a shower and still
I am dirty, from the walk back to my tent and of course it is only 7am and I am
sweating while children stare at me, watching my every move. A chicken just landed on my tent, yep,
you read that right, and it definitely startled me. Oh, and get this, as I looked out of my tent I thought a
huge storm cloud was coming, but nope, it was a swarm of flies so dense that
until I began to see the flies landing all around me I would not of believed
that it was not a cloud. It
seriously reminded me of one of the plagues in the bible; swarms of locusts
like ravaging armies. So I lay
back down in my tent not wanting to be covered in tiny flies. I felt trapped, confined, and walled in,
annoyed that my personal space was still being invaded by piercing eyes. I was tired of being the spectacle and
of being pointed at and basically called, “white face” and asked questions
like, “Give me money, give me bottle, give me pen!” I was bored of the repetitive meal of rice, seema (corn
maize meal), and pumpkin leaves.
I wanted familiarity, silence, a hot bath, a place to get
away and relax, a clean and sacred space.
Everything I kept imagining was completely white; white pillows, a big
comfortable white feather duvet, a white bath-tub, and all in a white room. I
just lay there in my tent on the hard ground drowning in my own sweat wishing
that I could escape to the beautiful imaginary made up places in my mind. But
as I cried out to God, it hit me hard that the comfort I was seeking was
distracting me from the present obedience I was called here for. I
was craving comfort over God.
I knew God called me here. I knew that God spoke to me about coming to Malawi when I
was in Guatemala and at that time it was not even on our race route, but I was
utterly worn out and depleted physically and emotionally. I needed God to sustain me so that I
could persevere in obedience. I
absolutely had nothing left of my own to give, or offer. So I wept and cried out to God; longing
for him and craving for him to be near.
I had reached a tipping point where all of me was spilled out and all
that was left was the sustaining strength of God.
As I felt myself disintegrating into nothingness at the same
time I felt a sense of peace like I have never felt before come over me. And, in that same instant I began to
sing the worship song out loud, “This is the day, this is the day, this is the
day that the Lord has made. I will
rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad in it and be glad in it.” How I went from utter deprivation to
complete peace and serenity and joy can only be explained by the mystery and
power of God. This was the peace
that Paul talked about in Philippians 4:4-7,11-13
“Rejoice in the Lord
always. I will say it again
rejoice! Let your gentleness be
evident to all. The Lord is
near. Do not be anxious about
anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God. And
the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts
and your minds in Christ Jesus….for I have learned to be content whatever the
circumstances. I know what it is
to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every
situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty of in
want. I can do all things through
Christ who gives me strength.”
As I read this verse I laughed. It is so like God to show me the depths of this verse and to
put this song in my mouth before taking me to read his word, just to confirm
his truth. And, at the end of the
day I was once again left CRAVING GOD OVER COMFORT. God was teaching me
contentment and deeper DEPENDENCY.
And, this is just the beginning of a deeper journey and pilgrimage of
utter dependency on God.
Lesson learned:
I would rather be obedient than comfortable.
