As I begin preparations for The World Race, one word lingers in my mind…full. My life is, without a doubt, full. I’m fully invested in the last few months of ministry I have here in Amarillo, and at the same time my mind feels occupied by dreams of what The World Race will be and the long checklist of to-do’s that I need to work my way through in preparation for this journey.
I have conversations I want to have with students, friends, and mentors here in Amarillo. I have projects to complete in order to help the church prepare for my transition out of the youth ministry. Unexpected opportunities pop up every week to partner with God in the work I’m currently committed to here, and I want to be fully available to those unexpected interruptions. I want to pour myself into the team I’m going to be working with during my time on the race. I have fundraising to do, possessions to sell, immunizations to get, and supplies to gather. And every time I think I have my mind wrapped around this transitional season, another important thing nudges its way into the list. Life is full…mostly of things I want to be doing, but that doesn’t stop the list from feeling overwhelming at times.
Now a little bit about me…I tend to operate as a pretty self-sufficient person, and most of the time this serves me pretty well. I usually feel confident that I can accomplish the things I want to accomplish, and I usually feel comfortable doing things on my own. Generally, I feel comfortable in my own skin, and while validation from others is deeply appreciated, I don’t find myself seeking it very often. I’m proud of my accomplishments (paying off student loans/getting out of debt, ways that I’ve tried to contribute to the life of my church, friendships I’ve developed, etc.), I feel pretty content with how I live/manage my money day to day, and I feel like I’m responsible enough to be able to maintain the lifestyle I’ve come to enjoy. I usually feel pretty competent and confident. Usually.
Sometimes, my self-sufficient mindset gets a little rattled. Sometimes there’s more to do than I can realistically accomplish on my own. Sometimes life is full and I’m only able to complete so many of the tasks on my list. When that happens I don’t feel as competent. I don’t feel as sufficient, and I tend to be pretty hard on myself.
So as I come to a season like this one, a season that feels important and incredibly full, I know that my default will be to identify the challenges in front of me, start checking things off the list, to accomplish, to complete, to succeed. But I’ve done this dance enough times to know what’s coming. When things get overwhelming, and when my plate is too full, I’m going to be challenged to reevaluate the value of self-sufficiency. Generally, I want to be a self-sufficient person, but as I transition to The World Race, an experience that is all about dependence, the curse of self-sufficiency can’t be ignored.
First of all, the belief that I’m self-sufficient on any level is pretty flawed anyway. Everything I’ve accomplished has been accomplished with help and support. The habits I’ve developed are a result of people who came before me pouring into me, teaching me, and forming me. I know that not all the opportunities I’ve had have been earned. Most were given to me by others. So I know that self-sufficiency has been more of an illusion than anything. I’ve been dependent on others my whole life.
In my experience, when self-sufficiency has become an ideal to be pursued, when dependence on others has been viewed as a crutch, failure to accomplish has become an identity crisis, and the desire for independence has stolen opportunities for intimacy with others and with God. You would think that as a minister, who regularly teaches from God’s word, I would be fully aware of humanity’s dependence on God. All you have to do is start at the beginning. Adam and Eve’s desire for self-sufficiency is the example of how the desire for self-sufficiency can quickly go bad. It was the grasping for self-sufficiency that led to the curse that our world still suffers from. But, even knowing that, I still tend to believe that I can do things on my own.
I think one of the greatest challenges I’ll experience during The World Race is allowing myself to be totally dependent on God. It will begin in this season of fundraising, as I have to depend on the generosity of others, but I fully expect an experience like The World Race to stretch me in hundreds of ways that I’m not used to stretching and to reveal the ways that I need the help of others to live the kind of life I desire.
As I think about that kind of life, I once again have a word lingering in my mind. Interestingly enough that word is also “full.” Full is the kind of life that Jesus promises to people who are willing to acknowledge their dependence on him, and who choose to trust him when he says things that seem so counter-intuitive and hard. It’s the kind of life that people were willing to die for in the scriptures as they shared the good news with others. It’s the kind of life that will eventually heal a hurting world:
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” -John 10:10
As I attempt to take steps of obedience and follow the spirit into this season of life that will undoubtedly require a deeper dependence on God, my hope and prayer is that God uses this season like he’s used every other season of my life…to lead me deeper and deeper into the full life that he offers, and that he would give me the courage to share this life with others.
p.s. Make sure and subscribe to to my blog, above, in order to stay up to date with my journey! My next blog will begin a more formal fundraising effort, so if you’d like to partner with me in that way, you can donate above by clicking on the donate button, or be on the lookout for that next blog post! All donations are 100% tax deductible. Thanks for reading!
