So….It’s pretty much Mother’s Day…and that has been the talk around here…and I honestly have to admit, it’s kind of hard, difficult, weird, and unnatural for me to be excited about or to even celebrate Mother’s Day!
You see…it’s all because of the way my relationship is with my mother. It’s not anything like most of the racers on the Race, who get letters, and emails, and messages that flood their blogs….no, my relationship with my mother has always been very distant in ways! Sure…my mother loves me…and believe me, God is redeeming so much of our relationship…but she has never really shown me love in the ways that I would have loved to know!
She was, I guess you can say, absent for most of my life. My parents were kinda separated..in other words, I didn’t grow up with my family together. My mother just kinda stayed a little distant from me and my brother. Now, I don’t want to make my mom sound like she is completely a horrible mother…it’s just that she didn’t really know how to love us without getting too attached…that probably sounded weird…sorry, but it’s the truth. Well…there’s so much history involved that I’m not going to really go into…but basically, she was afraid of losing us, so she guarded herself, in a way. How was she to really know the effect that it would later have on me and my brother? How was she to know that ,in a way, she kinda did lose us? So…to defend my mother…she’s not this evil, awful person….she’s just not really too emotionally involved. But like I said….God is changing that as we speak!
In my “Dancing Fool” blog, I wrote about how God did some amazing things with me…and how I learned to forgive…well, my mother was in that forgiveness category! I learned to forgive her for the way that she didn’t love me…for the way that she left me feeling abandoned, unloved, and forgotten…I forgave her for all of that (even though it was hard…and it hurt)! But I did it…I forgave her and left the rest to God! And our God is such a loving and faithful God that wants to see us celebrating with joy…that wants to give us the desires of our hearts….that wants to heal our brokeness…and He does not forget about us! He is a God of reconciliation! He knew my desire for my mother…and he blessed me tremendously! Up until about 3 weeks ago, I had not even spoken once to my mother, or heard from her (in any form of communication) since I left for the Race! And then out of nowhere, I get an email from her! Praise the Lord! And then God gives even more! When I usually talk with her, I am the one to say I love you first, and then she kinda mumbles it out….but not this time….She said it before I even had a chance to open my mouth, “I LOVE YOU!”, loud and clear! God is Good! I must be his favorite! 🙂 So yes, God is awesome…and He’s continuing to work on this relationship for me!
So, back to the Mother’s Day thing….so, how do I celebrate Mother’s Day? I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m a bit jealous of the relationships that others have with their mothers…especially now, with everyone scrambling around to post messages, or videos, or write emails, and send e-cards to their mothers….and then their’s me!
But I want to change all of that! I want to learn to be excited about it! I want to not think about all the times that my mother has not really cared about it! I want to be excited about it, regardless! I want to learn how to serve my mother and love her without worrying whether or not she will receive it well!
Do you now understand a bit of how I feel? It’s not that I’m not happy there’s a Mother’s Day….it’s just that I never have been happy about it! But I’m changing…..
So…to my mother….if you are reading this…..
I LOVE YOU! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
