Two weeks from today I fly back to the United States (I’ve learned not to call it ‘America’ since being in South America). It’s a little surreal that this year is coming to an end. In some ways it seems like we’ve just left and in others, like we’ve been gone forever!
Heading home brings up a lot of thoughts and feelings. I’m going to try to express some of the ones I’ve been experiencing, but, I’m warning you, it’s probably going to be messy.
Home.
Attached.
Closure.
These are some of the words I’ve come in contact with a lot lately – sometimes verbally and sometimes just because they’re constantly on my mind.
“What is a home and where is mine?”
“What am I attached to and is that what I should be attached to?”
“What relationships or experiences or places that I may never get to go back to require closure?”
“Is it full closure or is it ok to leave it open just a little?”
These are some of the questions that have been bouncing around in my brain. Some of them I think there’s a chance I maybe might have an answer to (that wording tells you how sure I am about it) and some I’m still wrestling with or just, straight up, have no idea.
What is a home? It’s a comfy place to live right? With nice things and good furniture and a fridge full of food, like this one I lived in once. (It’s for sale, if you’re interested)
…unless you’re one of those people with a ‘better’ perspective, in which case, home is where your loved ones – family and friends – are.
Family! (Aunts are the best!)
And where is my home? I don’t have my own physical dwelling anymore, but I have people that I love in multiple countries.
Canada, USA, Argentina, Colombia, Malawi, Thailand
I even have a few nice things in a couple of places.
But as a follower of Christ, is that really what home is?
Philippians 3:20 says our citizenship is in Heaven, where Jesus lives.
2 Corinthians 5:8 says our home is with the Lord.
In Matthew 10:34-39 Jesus said He came to divide families and that people in your own house will be your enemies.
That kind of tears our common definition of ‘home’ apart. Not that it’s bad to have a home and nice things, by any stretch. But should it be so strange to NOT have those things?
What is ‘home’ going to look like in my life?
This brings a whole new meaning to ‘going home’ in two weeks.
What about these things/people/places/experiences [let’s be real, mostly just experiences, places, and people because I only have a backpack] that I’ve become so attached to over the last 11 months?
I’ve experienced some incredible things this year, seen breathtaking sights and had so many once in a lifetime opportunities.
I am getting ready to say goodbye to 30+ people that I have been with 24/7 [literally!] for the last 11 months. I have chosen to love them and they’ve become like family. If I’m honest, the chance that I’ll see a lot of these people again this side of Heaven is pretty slim.
How do you walk away from that? What does that look like?
Is it wrong to feel attachment to these countries? To these people?
I don’t think so. I think you leave a little part of you in the places you go and with the people you care about. But I shouldn’t be so attached that I’m looking back. I can’t let it become a distraction from what is in front of me.
I didn’t take this one. I stole it from Google. But it’s pretty!
Closure. What does that even mean?
I think, for me, for now, that means remembering.
Remembering the views that pictures won’t ever do justice to – the mountains and beaches and shooting stars.
Remembering that feeling of terror mixed with exhilaration while falling 111 meters off of the Victoria Falls Bridge.
Remembering all the conversations with this family I have chosen to be a part of – those one on one talks you have as a leader when you walk away having gained so much more than you ever even thought about giving away.
Remembering that time you got to have a super uncomfortable conversation and give really hard feedback only to realize how worth it that is.
Remember.
Remember, but also release. Releasing all of those irreplaceable experiences enough that I can remember without wishing I was back there in it.
So what does it all mean? I don’t know…I’m still trying to figure that out. The more answers I get, the more questions I have.
I don’t think Jesus was kidding in Luke 9:57-62 when he said his followers wouldn’t necessarily have a conventional home or didn’t need to bury their dead loved ones or even say bye to their families. Don’t get me wrong, those things are not bad. Our devotion to Him just needs to be greater than our care for all of that.
For now, I’ll keep going these next 6 months, traveling the world and discipling those around me and then….well, your guess is as good as mine.
PSA: I am still fundraising. If you’re interested, you can give on this blog site or here: https://www.youcaring.com/my-fundraisers.aspx
