In the Face of Failure.

Like I said in my last post, brokenness arrived in my life.
This showed up to the point of me not actually knowing a single thing or being
able to function properly. I truly felt as if my complete self-mental,
emotional, spiritual, and whatever else comprises “me” was shattered and in
jagged pieces floating about. I didn’t know what to do. Me, the girl who can
typically always pull herself together and tough through whatever arises, was
unable to even conjure up the desire to speak. All I was left to do was cling,
and I mean tightly, to Jesus.

This meant that I spent every thought on Christ. I quit even
asking Him what was happening and just asked who He is. I searched out His
character.  That proved to be a
beautiful feat. Instead of getting direct answers and detailed descriptions, I
learned one phrase: “I am God.” That is the one name of the Lord that carries
me through this time, I Am.

 

Conversation went like this:  ” Are you really calling me home?” “I Am God.” “Would you
really bring me all the way to the other side of the world just to come back
home?” “I Am God.” “What in the world am I supposed to do in Mississippi?” “I
Am God.”  FINE.

 

Once I knew that my only option was to be obedient, the fear
set in. Fear that I would be labeled a failure, a quitter, and that people
would look at me as someone not strong enough to do the world race. Note: one
thing I absolutely cannot stand is for someone to think I am incapable of doing
something-I pride myself on being able to complete any task. Strength is how I
would like to be characterized.

 

Facing failure and the idea of being thought to be weak
terrorized me. Yet again, the Lord spoke to me “I Am God.” Backtrack to the
Philippines, the Lord revealed to me the importance and reality of my identity
in Him. Only in Him. His character is how I should define myself, I am a
child-a daughter-of THE God of the entire universe.

 

Is there failure in Christ? Is there weakness in the King of
Kings? No way!! Therefore, I am NOT walking in failure. My coming home is in
victory because it is Christ led.

 

Once that was grasped, I was able to experience the
greatness of His peace that comes when someone follows Him. Not to say that it
was easy. I mean come on, I just left what I have dreamed of doing for years,
what I raised support to do, what I spoke of to everyone I came across for
months, the people I had grown to love in just a few months, my new family. I
left the world race.

 

I sobbed. My nose ran, my eyes became puffy, tears flowed
non-stop for two days as I told my squad that I was leaving. I can honestly say
that actually getting in the tuk-tuk and leaving the race was truly the hardest
thing I have ever done. When I broke the news to the squad, I was terrified of
their reactions. However, when you get up before 35 insanely Godly people who
genuinely love you, God is ever present and responses are Christ like. I cannot
express the brilliant love and grace I received from my squad. They listened,
gathered around me and prayed, wrote me notes to read later of their love for
me and all told me how PROUD they were of me for following God. WHAT?! I just
said that I was leaving. And they said they were proud of me? I was floored by
the hearts of my squad mates. Of course, that made it even harder to leave. I
spent the whole next day in tears as I prepared for goodbye.

 

However, I walked the day in victory. I boarded the plane in
confidence of God’s leading of my path. I arrived home in praise of my Heavenly
Father who is holding me and directing my life.

 

As several of my squad mates reminded me, the world race is
notorious for changing countries at the last minute. I am still very much on
the race, my route just changed. I am home-my current ministry site. I am in
Mississippi to serve simply because that is precisely what Christ wants to do
here. Love and serve.

 

Re-entry is for sure hard. That’s another blog though. It
will come soon. I hope to keep this blog to update everyone on the happenings
of ministry in the south. I have a    feeling things will get interesting!!