Stepping out is hard. It’s not comfortable. It’s not without opposition. It comes with waves of different emotions.
As I was lying in bed the night before I left for training camp (which was 2 months ago now) I was kindly reminded to ‘Fear not’, ‘Be strong and courageous’ and that God would lead me. God is faithful in providing me with His truth in the midst of uncertainty. I may be fragile at times but God is strong in me and the Holy Spirit is my constant companion and Helper, lifting my spirits and enabling me to take one step and one breath at a time.
My very first flight to the United States for training camp was a testing time. It was filled with mixed emotion, a beating heart, tears, constant prayers and pleas for God’s help. Just when I thought my heart and mind had steadied itself, something triggered fear and anxiety again and I started the battle all over again. I remember looking out the plane window at the clouds I was flying over, asking God for the fear and anxiety to float away and peace to overwhelm me instead. It was in this moment that I considered the Sun and it’s a symbol of how God is bigger, more powerful, steady, reliable and good. It was a reminder for me to shift my focus from my own weaknesses and focus on the Son. And that might mean I need to deliberately turn my thoughts everyday, every hour or every breath. It’s not always easy and at times I’m tempted to let it all overwhelm me.
The last few years for me have been a journey through fear and anxiety. God has been nudging me for a long time to write this blog, but I’ve been putting it off because it’s vulnerable and real. But my prayer is that sharing my experience will provide encouragement to those reading. I have experienced such healing in bringing light to my experiences and sharing it with others.
In early 2016 I allowed anxiety permission to enter my life and gain ground in my thought life. At the time I did not realise that I allowed the enemy a stronghold over my mind. It is super frustrating to admit but it started to creep in from a relationship with a guy. I had history with this person which added to the fear and anxiety and the more I pursued this relationship, the more anxiety snowballed.
For me anxiety started with a beating heart, anxious thoughts and worrying, inability to eat and a constant desire to be sick at the thought of food or certain situations. I struggled to eat properly for about a year. Prior to that I had never experienced anything like it. It was like a constant negative dialect of worrying thoughts swamping my mind and affecting my body and emotions. Anyone at that time could have thought I had an eating disorder, but I LOVE food and I wanted to eat. The issue was I was holding stress in my stomach and convincing myself that if I ate certain things that I would be sick. It was a battlefield of the mind. The mornings were the biggest struggle. I would wake with anxious thoughts about the day and no desire to eat breakfast. When I tried to force myself, I battled feelings of sickness. For months I occasionally vomited when I allowed the thoughts to overwhelm me- at which point I would be an emotional wreck and beat myself up. Some days and weeks I was fine, others I was at my wits end. It was a rollercoaster- one I desperately wanted to get off.
During this time I didn’t understand why, I asked God to take it away, confused as to why He wasn’t. There were triggers that made it worse but took me a while to identify. The relationship dissolved a couple months later, but yet the anxiety remained. Any point of stress anxiety took a hold of and made its home.
Throughout this time my family journeyed with me, watched me struggle, encouraged me to eat, cried with me, prayed for me and consistently supported me. I was so discouraged that I was struggling so much and unable to rid it in my own strength and power. My idea of myself and my strength had been shattered.
I was broken. But God showed up in my brokenness. He loves to bind up the broken-hearted.
It was through this experience that I cried out to God and grew so much closer to my Heavenly Father. I had nothing to give, and was relying on Him in everything: to get me out of bed in the morning, to silence the worries, to eat a meal, to take one breath at a time. He met me in my brokenness and become my personal Comforter, Prince of Peace, Helper, My All in All and revealed His Power. I learned the power in God’s Word and had scriptures plastered on my bedroom wall to read over myself when anxious thoughts were arising. They provided strength as I learned to use it as my offensive weapon. The Sword of the Spirit was awakened to me and God slowly equipped me with my spiritual weapons to fight the battles I was facing.
At the end of 2016 I was exhausted from battling this anxiety and was at my end- mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. My Mum was a huge source of encouragement during this time. Each morning I’d wake up and it would often be just the two of us. She would pray for me almost every morning as I cried almost every morning. After witnessing me struggling for so long in different areas of my life, she encouraged me to get prayer ministry and by this point I was quickly realizing I couldn’t do anything else in my own strength. I desired freedom and healing and yet I was a little apprehensive about prayer ministry – it was unknown. But I had nothing to lose. I needed help, trusting God would provide it.
In April 2017 I had prayer ministry twice. It was freeing to say the least. God cut the strongholds over my life, some that had been there for years and years. It was an exceptionally personal experience for me, where God beautifully revealed areas that needed healing, lies that needed to be broken and pictures of encouragement. Jesus spoke through two ladies and gave me an overwhelming experience of FORGIVENESS, FREEDOM & HEALING. The plug that I had put on the Holy Spirit for so long was also lifted and I have experienced His presence in such a sweet and personal way every since, as I have allowed Him to move in my life.
This journey has been the hardest experience in my life thus far and even though it caused so much pain, I am thankful that through the pain God taught me. God became more personal, His Word became my sword and power and His Spirit came alive to me. It did not happen overnight. God knew I needed to go on a journey with Him. I reached the pits, but He picked me up again. He is gracious to me. He is gracious to you, continually offering us forgiveness, healing and freedom.
I AM NO LONGER A SLAVE TO FEAR OR ANXIETY.
That does not mean that thoughts do not arise that try and cripple me again (the enemy knows it has been a pressure point before so He will attempt to exploit it), but I am so much more aware of when it arises and how to use my God weapons to cut those thoughts down at their roots. I choose to deliberately cast out fear and anxiety, as it now no longer has authority in my life. Jesus does. He has changed everything for me. He has rescued me, forgiven me, healed me and provided me with life. Life abundant.
If you struggle with fear and anxiety (I think they often go hand in hand) I invite you to join with me in proclaiming some truth over your life. Say it out loud, write it down, meditate on His Word. Remember His faithfulness, He knows you, He wants to make His home in you, to fill you with His Spirit and He wants to have authority in your life. But it’s our choice to let Him in.
“Do not fear [anything], for I am with you; Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, be assured I will help you; I will certainly take hold of you with My righteous right hand [a hand of justice, of power, of victory, of salvation].”
ISAIAH 41:10 AMP
“casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”
1 Peter 5:7 ESV
“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery”
Galatians 5:1 ESV
“So you ae no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.”
Galatians 4:7 ESV
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
