Here I am angry with God..
Where are you? Why is this happening?
Why am I facing this on my own God? Did you call me to this? Why am I left in the dark? Why aren’t you saving me?
These are the questions that have been plaguing me for the last month sitting completely defeated. I didn’t realize raising 17,000 dollars was going to be so hard ( I know I should have expected it) or just the act of fundraising and the reactions that I would get in asking for people to partner with me would make me question my self-worth , calling and everything that I have been doing in my life . I just was not prepared to have to handle so much push back in doing kingdom work. I thought well God has called me to it so he will make it happen, which is true. This is just like me, I expect God to go ahead of me he paves the way for me and guides me through the cleared path.. That’s my God… He is so awesome to me. But God also loves me too much to hand me anything. He draws the path and walks me through it but he won’t carry me through it I STILL HAVE TO WALK IT. He taught me something very important through this last month of my questioning. He taught me that it is his job to move people’s hearts, it’s his job to provide the funds, and it’s his job to clear the path. It is my job to trust that he will do what he says he will do. This is something I know. So why has it been so difficult? Why isn’t my God coming through on so many levels? I need him and I wonder where He is. And it has hurt so badly. I have been so upset that I haven’t asked him about it, feeling abandoned.
God reminded me something so important that I had forgotten, my job isn’t just to believe that God will do what he says he will do.. My job is to lean into the fire of his presence, to spend time there with Him. To power up in his presence then go out and do what He has set out for me to do. To not make Him the top of my list but the CENTER of my everything. How can I accomplish anything that he has set for me without allowing his resurrecting power to flow through me? Even Jesus knew that he needed time with the Father in order to accomplish anything. Jesus ministry was a combination of powering up with the Father in prayer and then releasing that power onto people.
Over and over again my God is forever faithful, I will not get discouraged, I will not bend under pressure. Instead I will lean into the fire. I will feel the heat, let it consume me and pour it out onto others as He has carved the path for me to do. When I come up to a door I will expect it to open, but until it does I will praise Him without ceasing.
So when these defeating questions arise what is it that I do? How do I overcome? I still have so much money to raise and a lot more obstacles to overcome. I ask myself do I want to be changed. How much do I want to be changed? I have prayed to God many times about changing me, wow He is answering my prayers. This is exactly what I asked for. He is changing me. Preparing me, making me a force to be reckoned with how many walls do you come up against before you don’t come up against them anymore? I feel like there are always going to be walls that are put in place and we have the opportunity to grow over them or sit in our defeat. The awesome thing is that through Christ Jesus we are MORE than conquerors. That means I have already won before I even start.
I just have to remember to press into my Fathers presence tap into His fire and I will be able to scale any wall, conquer any battle. He has already given me the victory I just have to reach out and grab it.
