“I know… I just really hate God’s timing.”
Those were the words out of my mouth just a few hours ago. And, to be honest, they’re still in my heart a little bit.
If you’ve read my blog much, or have talked to me at all, you know that my acceptance for the Race is pending approval from a cardiologist. I was supposed to have this finished by the first of May… oops. I finally got in with a doctor on the 18th. I printed out the forms, go beboping in the office, say “I just need you to sign these papers, and was gonna upload them to my file as soon as I got home.
Only, she didn’t sign them. She had a few concerns, and she still hasn’t told me exactly what they are. She said she wanted to run a few tests first, to make sure everything’s okay. “This is all common stuff, but common doesn’t necessarily mean good.” We set up the tests for two days later. Then there were problems with my insurance. So they were going to call me to reschedule. We played phone tag for a bit, and by the time I got a hold of a live person, the ladies who do the schedule were out until after Memorial Day. So I called back Tuesday and got it scheduled for this Friday.
Cut to this afternoon when they call me back to reschedule my follow up appointment. Turns out my doctor is going out of town, so I can’t get my results until the middle of June.
As any Southern woman naturally does when frustrated, I called my Momma. She was trying to encourage me, and said “God’s got this in control. It’s all in His timing.” “I know… I just really hate God’s timing.”
But aren’t we glad to serve a God who knows the future? See, shortly after that conversation, He reminded me of something He told me weeks, maybe even months, ago.
I work as an assistant manager at a department store. As part of our job, we have to get so many customers to open up new accounts per month. Every day before I leave for work, I try to ask God to bring in customers who can handle credit well; ones who won’t ruin their lives going into debt. And, if someone applies who really doesn’t need a credit line, I go ahead and ask God to protect them from it by denying them.
I happened to say a prayer like that on this particular day. But, I hadn’t gotten any customers to open an account, and I was already behind for the week. The store closed at 9:00. It was 8:59 and I was walking around the registers to lock the doors. A customer comes running in saying, “I’ll just be a few minutes… I promise!” Of course, I start getting frustrated. I have school work I need to do, finals to study for, a dog to walk, an apartment to clean; I want to get out of here quickly. Well, she ended up applying for a credit card, and saving me from getting in trouble the next day.
All of a sudden, one of those thoughts that you know isn’t from you, ran through my mind: “My ways are not your ways. My thoughts are not your thoughts. And my timing is not your timing. You will hate my timing at points, but you need to trust me. I will provide for you. I will come through for you. Remember that.”
I said a little prayer like, “Okay, God. I think that’s a bit much for something as insignificant as a credit application. But whatever you say. I’ll try to remember, Your timing is not my timing.”
Maybe it was something insignificant, but my God still took the time to speak to me in a practical way. He knew I wouldn’t understand a semi-big lesson from a mundane task, but He also knew I needed the warning.
This is a scary place I’m in. It feels as if my life has been put on hold. All in all, I’m going to lose about a month of fundraising. I’ve had to ask my boss not to hire my replacement because, well, I may not be leaving. My friends and family are asking for updates, and I have none to give. I’m an impatient person. I want to know what’s going to happen so I can start moving in that direction, even if it’s not the one I want. I like to plan. I like to know.
But, here I am in a place of waiting. Confessing to God that I outright hate His timing. And hearing Him say, “I told you that you would. But my ways are not your ways. My thoughts are not your thoughts. And my timing is not your timing. Trust me. I will provide for you. I will come through for you. Just trust me.”
Faithfully? Maybe. Patiently? Probably not. But I will wait, and I will trust.
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