It’s taken me awhile to get around to writing this blog. Partly because I’m not quite sure how to sum up those 10 days in writing. Partly because I’ve been exhausted this week after returning to my classroom. And if I’m being honest, partly because I’ve been avoiding it. See, I tend to overthink and over process internally-but have a hard time expressing that processing at times and hesitate to share when I’m not sure others will understand. I honestly thought about not writing it, but I want to commit to sharing stories, triumphs, struggles, and lessons that God is teaching me with vulnerability and truth this year. So I did it. I sat down to write it out. Take these feeble attempts at putting words to this experience and give me grace as you read it.
It’s been a week now since I’ve returned from Georgia. A week since I’ve slept in my tent on my sleeping pad, cuddled in my sleeping bag to stay warm in the cold, Georgia nights. A week since I’ve been awoken at 7 am to pack up my bags and to work out. A week since I’ve been fed meals that I had to eat with my hands from all around the world that included crickets, mystery meat, and lots of rice. A week since I’ve had to use a port-a-potty or take a bucket shower. A week since I’ve been able to clear all distractions and just sit with my Father and completely invest and be invested in by those around me. A week since I’ve said goodbye to what started out as 58 strangers, but quickly became a family. And I miss it. But I am eagerly anticipating the next 11 months with this family and cannot wait to see the journey that God has before us.
Training camp was hard. It was exhausting. But it was also spirit-filled. Encouraging. Freeing. The first few days were focused on our relationship with Christ and inner healing. Intense sessions that focused on the lies that we tell ourselves, forgiveness, listening to the holy spirit, and shame. And worship. Man, did we worship. The next few days focused on teams and team formations. And then the last few days focused on ministry prep and things to expect on the field. Scattered throughout all of that was workouts, our fitness test, meals with a different theme each day, and different sleeping scenarios that we could expect.
I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enter training camp with reservations. I was excited to be there, but was also nervous. I was excited for this journey that I felt God had called me on, but would periodically have doubts whisper in my ear. “How will I fit in with my squad?” “What do I have to offer?” “Is God really calling me here? Can he use ME?” “What if I don’t pass the fitness test?” These fears and doubts skim the surface, but were quickly put at ease. Where I expected judgement and hesitation, I received grace and love from ALL of my squad and leadership. I have never experienced a community like I did during training camp and God used that to teach me so much.
S Squad! #ssquadbestsquad
Thankful for our leadership team. Filled with wisdom, love, and so much joy.
To explain all of the lessons and ways that I encountered God during those 10 days would take too long, but here are a few of the things that I learned about myself and/or ways that the Lord showed up.
The Lord has given me gifts. I am heard and seen and my voice matters. I often tell this to other people who doubt themselves, with full belief that it is true. And I know that it is true for me too, but I often let doubt and insecurities get in the way of fully believing and living this out. I met a lot of great people on my squad and leadership. And I found myself thinking of ways that I want to learn from them. Of what they had to offer and how God was going to use them. But God used them to reinforce that in me, as well. God used a couple teammates specifically who made a point to tell me they wanted to learn from me-that they saw so much that I could teach them. Other teammates mentioned that they thought of or heard the words “Wisdom. Brave. Will build up others. “ when thinking about or praying over me. One of my love languages is words of affirmation, but I struggle to believe people’s words sometimes. Because these people did not know me well and multiple people spoke the same words at different times, I knew they were speaking truth. The Lord used these people to speak to me and help me see what he has given me and what he wants to use in me this next year. While I struggle at times to see these things in myself and am not sure exactly what they all mean, I will be spending time with God to build confidence in these things and allow him to speak to and through me.
“Be Still.” This one is pretty simple in theory, but so hard in practice. We had a morning of Sabbath to rest with the Lord however we chose. It was so peaceful to read the word, journal, and even just sit and do nothing. I don’t take time to do this nearly as much as I should. Even when I have free time, I fill it with noise. More often, I need to be still. Diminish distractions and just listen.
God shows up in the whispers. Remember how I said I doubt people’s words sometimes? That also applies to things that I think I might be hearing or feeling from God. There was one night during worship, where I was praying and seeking confirmation about what I felt the Lord was telling me. At just the right moment, a staff member came over to pray for me and give me a vision of what she was seeing. While I’m still processing that picture, it was the confirmation I needed that God was there. He hears me and he sees me. Later that night, a squadmate came up and gave me two Bible verses to look up. Wouldn’t you know it…they had to do exactly with what I was praying about. One that I’ve been studying is 1 King 19:11 (might end up being another blog at some point).
In short, it is when Elijah flees to the mountain where he is waiting on the presence of the Lord. An earthquake comes, but that wasn’t the Lord. A fire comes, but that wasn’t the Lord. The Lord came in a gentle whisper and revealed himself to Elijah.
I often want the extravagent. The loud confirmation. But sometimes it’s not in the extraordinary that he speaks, it’s in the gentle whispers that I need to pay close attention to and trust.
These things are not exactly new to me-they are things that have come up before and that I’ve grown in over the years. But they are things that I’ve held onto and not completely let go of. Training camp showed me this and helped me realize that I don’t have it all figured out yet, but that that’s okay. It was everything that I didn’t know I needed. I’m right where I am supposed to be. These are all lessons that still need to be unpacked and will be a journey in process over this next year, but I am entering this next season believing the truth and knowing that I am not walking this alone. I may have left training camp with the same amount and weight of baggage that I brought with me physically (although not nearly as organized as when I came :P), but I left so much lighter and more free. This next year will not only be one of ministry, but one of learning, growth, and diving deeper into my Father’s love and I am so looking forward to it.
Sorry for the length, but God has been so good! Please join me in praying for my squad the next couple of months before we leave. That we would remain focused and present where we are to finish well so we can leave well. Please be praying for everyone’s finances and for the countries that we are to be traveling to this next year. Thank you, friends!
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