One question I have been asked frequently throughout the first two months of this trip is: do I miss my fiance? The answer: nah I’m good.
Just kidding. I miss him with my entire heart. But I’m ok (she says as she rocks back and forth in the fetal position).
In all honesty though, the answer I most often give is to express my gratitude for the ability to spend my engaged season in this way. I am travelling to new places with a rather large group of people, learning how to serve, love, and honor in a way that is stretching more than I would sometimes like to admit. I’m having to continually seek companionship and love in the Lord, because that’s the only thing that’s really going to fill any of the nooks and crannies, and that’s what I want to bring into marriage.
The next question: is it hard doing this while being engaged? Of course. I’m as committed to a person as I can be outside of actually being married, and my heart has already begun the process of being knitted together with his. We’re planning our life together, and seeking the Lord as one unit. We pray for each other and say those three special words. And I’ve gone from spending a lot of time with him to none at all. So yeah, it’s hard.
But this isn’t taking away from my trip. In fact, it’s enhancing it. Because I’m engaged.
I started dating him in high school, and we dated for a few years, then broke up for a ministry school we were going to. Honestly the best thing that could’ve happened to us. We were able to individually focus on what the Lord had for us and figure out who we are as individuals. And through that we carried feelings for one another. There was a point, however, where neither of us were certain that we would end up back together. Not because we didn’t want it to happen, but because we knew we had both changed. In that season, though, I learned how to say yes to the Lord.
Fast forward to us getting back together. In this time I learned to appreciate the little quirks and giftings he has, and the relationship we have. I’ve learned, and am continuing to learn, the little things that make him who he is.
And now we’re here. If there is anything I’ve learned about being engaged, it’s that saying yes is more than just saying yes. In the moment of being overcome with emotions while I looked into the face of my future husband down on one knee, the ‘yes’ held more weight than it ever has in my life. I wasn’t saying yes to a party with a white dress and flowers, but to an eternity of my heart and life being married with his. And in that I was saying yes to committing my life to be his.
Pause and rewind to paragraph five, last sentence. I wasn’t just saying yes to my fiance, but to what the Lord has for my life. And that yes has become a little deeper, because I’ve found the person the Lord has made for me. With that being said, although I still have a lot to learn about commitment and what weight that adds, I understand more now that I ever have the importance of saying yes and following through that engagement.
I said yes to this journey two years ago, and while I knew a lot was going to change in two years- *cough cough* -I said yes with the intention of commitment. You see, I’m engaged in this season, not just to the love of my life, but to the giver of my life and what he’s doing currently. Just as my heart is 111% for my man, my focus and spiritual heart is even more so for where I am now. I chose a year-long engagement so I could honor my previous engagement, one that has my full focus. So yes, it is hard, with limited wifi and a few calls here and there, but I’m where I need to be. I’m happily engaged in this adventure.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” Matthew 6:33-34
