fair warning, this blog is going to be a little longer, it’s going to be a little emotional and it’s going to be a little bit of my heart and soul. thank you in advance
Your body goes through seasons without you realizing it sometimes, it knows when the same time of year is happening, and it knows when to dig up old emotions in order to heal.
My body began acting this way a few weeks ago, I was irritable, always frustrated with the smallest things and feeling very empty. Which didn’t make any logical sense to me, I was a few weeks into being here in Costa Rica. My squad and I were in the honeymoon phase of our first month of the world race. My life felt like a movie, so why was my heart so heavy? What were my body and Abba trying to tell me?
Several days later I was going through the calendar app on my phone out of complete and utter boredom, and I realized my dad’s birthday was three days prior, and the connection sparked.
If my dad’s birthday was a few days ago, that meant the anniversary was coming up, and my body was digging up all the old memories. All the hurt, regret, and anger was getting uprooted, and let me tell you, I was blindsided and pissed. This was something I didn’t want to deal with, I didn’t want to go through the long healing process, I didn’t want to think about those horrible few months of him being sick, I didn’t want any of it.
Good thing the Father’s desires are dramatically different than my own. This self-awareness I had of the season I was going into was like a secret weapon, I understood where the anger was coming from, which means I could shut it off. All I wanted to do was stop it, to get through the next few weeks and to go back to being fine, living the dream. Abba made it clear to me these previous habits were not going to work anymore.
The race forced me to slow down and face the truth. I couldn’t run from my feelings, I couldn’t keep myself so busy that I went numb, I couldn’t repress the pain anymore because my growth would be drastically stunted. The more I tried to force it away, the less I was tuning into the Father’s voice, the less my morning devotionals meant, the less my ministry and my squad meant. I was getting drained because I no longer felt like I was being filled.
So that brought me face to face with the truth of the matter. My dad has passed away, my heart was still broken about it, my trust with Abba was still cracked and I had locked up all my emotions and insecurities, and I buried them deep within my soul.
If I was home, my first instinct would be to work more, to make plans with friends for every second of my free time, it would be to deflect onto boys or sometimes drinking, and after November 1st I would convince myself I was okay.
The race shut this process down, I had nowhere to run, I was forced to rest and reflect in the Father and the gentle voice in the back of my head telling me to give Him some of my burdens, slowing felt like a scream and “tug of war” battle between Abba and I. I received word after word from my squadmates telling me that He loved me as a perfect daughter, that He wants to share my burden, that He will heal me if I ask. And let me tell you, it pissed me off.
It feels silly to say, but dang was I enraged at the Father. I was so frustrated that He was digging up all of my memories, all my regrets, and all the emotions I never dealt with. It didn’t make sense to me, why would he take my dad away from me if he was going to just continue ripping the bandaid up? Why would He put my family and me through months of doctor appointments, and ER trips and medications just to have me be on a different continent from them during the anniversary? At 15 I couldn’t even manage my own emotions of being a teenager, and then Abba threw something at me that most adults don’t even have to deal with until they are grown up, and emotionally stable, why did I have to figure this out now?
I wish I could tell you the answers, but I don’t know, nor will I know until I get to the gates. But at this moment in time, I can share with you the fruits I have seen the past few weeks, so that’s what I’m going to do.
I’d like to think Abba giggles at me sometimes, I’d like to think that he sees my frustration like you would a little kid when they get upset. I know He has never-ending grace and compassion for me. But getting angry at the King most high sounds intimidating, to say the least. But I was livid and trying to work through my anger with Abba, and now looking back at the past few weeks I can see why I was angry, it was simply because He wanted me to be.
Abba wanted me to get fired up, he wanted me to dig up all of these old emotions that I never dealt with, so He could take them away. He wanted to help share my burden, but He can’t do that unless I give Him the chance, so I had to open up.
After the endless middle of the night conversations with Him, and after having so many incredible people pouring into me I feel a little lighter. I can feel a weight off my shoulders, and I can see some of the answers.
Abba put me on the race during this time so I could rest, so I could put down all the weight I’ve been carrying and learn about resting in Him. Refilling my empty cup with His abundance. My weekly sabbath has been the greatest blessing for me. Spending time thinking about the pain, slowing rids of it and spending time actually opening questions up for Him rather than just yelling up to oblivion has lead to answers.
I’m learning that pouring out my heart to people doesn’t make them run away, but it helps them to love me better. I had a member of my leadership tell me;
“Your burdens are never as heavy to other people as you think they will be”
And dang that’s a good word. I have held onto these memories and emotions so tight that I’m having to train my muscles to let go. But having people holding my hand throughout the process has built up so much trust and love I didn’t realize I needed.
Learning about how to look at this has a gift that nobody wants rather than the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I didn’t want to lose my dad, but it happened, and all I can do is grow from it. And I can now see that while this growth is so important, I have to remember to be okay with the emotions. To be okay with crying and being messy, because that’s what comes along with uprooting and gardening.
I am learning to let other people in, to allow others to carry a little bit of the load, and allowing the Lord to carry the rest. I am learning to let go of every single doctor’s appointment, every ER trip, every phone call with my unbelievably strong mother. I’m learning to let go of the anger, learning to let go of the images I had of what my life was going to look like with him always being around. I’m learning how to see myself has a beloved daughter of the Lord, and to disconnect the Father from my dad, because I now understand that I don’t have to lose one for the other.
Abba reminds me every day that He is proud of me, and that my time with my dad was perfect, to let go of any regrets because they don’t matter anymore, and they will never matter ever again.
I am in a different country has my family so we can all heal in our own ways, all I can do from here I pray and check in on them, and I have to trust the Lord with the rest. Trusting Jesus with my family is something I’ve hesitated with for years, and now I’m learning to let Him in again.
I am still walking through this process every day, and the coming weeks will still be hard, but I am surrounded by an unimaginable amount of love. The Father is wrapping me up in His arms every day, and I am working on accepting that love. I’m finally asking all the big questions I’ve been wrestling with, and He is simultaneously giving me answers and blessings.
Abba put me on the race to finally deal with the loss, and because of His nature, He will also give me blessings tenfold. He is a Father of “both, and”, he is blessing me with the children I get to work with and the love I get to show them even through my own pain and struggles.
I’m accepting His help and He is building me up through this pain as well as the good moments because those matter too.
What I thought was a valley, is just me climbing up to the summit to see the beautiful view. So thank you Abba for making me a strong beloved daughter, and thank you for the new garden that is growing in good, clean soil.
Those are some of my thoughts and lessons, Thank you for reading and giving me a platform to share them. Cheers to the learning process.
From Syd with love.
