So I’m at a conference or I was and we were learning more about Grace, Hope, and Love. Grace sets the truth free and it gives you peace, it helps others learn from you. Lately my struggles as I’ve said is my past coming back to haunt me and making me out to be a person I am not today. So today I’m gonna tell you those struggles. I’m gonna say the truth not caring what someone may think of me. I am gonna tell my little story that can give hope to others that think they are to far gone. To show that there is grace in truth and that it will bring us as brothers and sisters in Christ together closer as a family.
“How are you so happy all the time?!”
I have heard that a couple times and I always laugh about it and say I don’t know or “oh I just laugh a lot” I don’t talk about the hardships I have been through or the struggles I still face daily.
So here it is, the raw truth of how I’ve gotten to where I am…I am not proud of what I’ve done but I have learned from it and I don’t know if I’d be where I am now if I hadn’t gone through it, I mean I’d like to think I would but it all happened for a reason. My freshman year of high school was a normal year, I was awkward and weird and just learning how to do my makeup. Anyways I met a boy who I believe changed my heart and the way I looked at life. Who helped me stay positive and was always happy when I was struggling with my dad going to the hospital for a long period of time. Summer came and I was in love. But then I got a call and that call confirmed that, that boy I was in love with died. I was furious and mad. I was mad at God. I was pissed actually and I told him about it. I was mad at how he could kill that person and was letting my dad die of some terrible disease in front of me. I went into a dark place and I didn’t care what God had to say about it. In all that I made new friends and new relationships in that I started drinking and tried drugs, I was in a toxic relationship and I knew it was all bad. But I didn’t care because God made me mad and I thought I should do the same to him.
I finally fell through at a young life camp and realized that God wasn’t mad. He has MERCY, his love is UNCONDITIONAL AND I WASN’T TOO FAR GONE!! He loves me so much more than my mistakes I’ve made and he has soo so soooo much grace for those mistakes and I will rest my faith and hope in that. I know that God doesn’t give me my hardships. He hurts when I hurt but he is there holding me through all of it. God does not do bad things.
So through all this I have been so scared of people seeing my scars of my past and seeing that I’m not perfect. I have been struggling with why God would let something that we left in the past years ago to right now when I’m doing so good and finally proud of who I have become. But I’m not perfect, who is but Jesus our Heavenly Father?
“The Jewish leaders continued to ask him their question. So he stood up and said, “Anyone here who has never sinned should throw the first stone at her.””
??John 8:7
My mentors and parents know me and who I am, what I’ve done. I am blessed to have them to remind me of God’s promises time and time again. “There is Grace for that” as I heard at this conference and I renounce the devil and what he has told me in the lies he feeds others about me and I pray that me and my enemy’s hearts are healed I pray for truth and light for everyone. I know I cannot change a person but the love I show can help God to change them. So yes I’ve done things I am not proud of but I am here to say that Jesus died for me knowing what I was going to do way before I was even born. He loves everyone. You ARE NOT to far gone! He will meet you right where you are at rock bottom because he loves you THAT much! So whether you are an alcoholic, atheist, drug dealer, drug addict, Muslim, gay, trans, racist, judgmental, hurtful, a killer. JESUS LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOU!! He doesn’t need you, no he wants you and he will do anything to get to you!
So I pray as you read this that you can see I am not saying it’s okay for the things that I did but that I have learned. I have grown as a person and that Jesus met me still when I thought it may be over. He has healed my broken heart and filled that gap where I used to think only other things could. Only Jesus can fill that void and he will, let me tell you. It won’t always be easy. He didn’t promise us an easy always happy life. No, we will have hardships and we will fall short of his glory time and time again. But he will meet us right there. His grace IS enough. I believe God brought this all up again for me so I could see. So I could see where he was in my hurting, so I could break again to see that I needed to fully break and see the hurt I caused myself. Telling my story gives me freedom. Freedom to not feel that guilt and shame on my shoulders. To show I have nothing to hide from anyone. My relationship with God will forever be changing and molding because I will always be changing into the person he wants me to be I hope. I hope I can be everything He, our created made me to be. I know I’ll fall short and have bad days but I am okay with that because I know who is right beside me.
Thank you for reading what’s been stirring in my heart I hope it stirred something in yours too.
God bless you,
Sydney
P.S. I have a little over $11,000 raised!!!(: GOD IS GOOD!! Thank you so much for all the support and love you all have shown I am so so grateful God has put such amazing people in my life! I still have a little more to raise but I trust God and there is still plenty of time!
My training is July 10-20, coming soon in Georgia(: so prayers for safe travels and all that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again! Love Y’all
