before i left for the race, i was so, so, SO excited. i couldn’t wait to leave home the closer it got to boarding that plane. i knew i’d be homesick sometimes. i knew that some days i would just need a hug from mom and dad, and sister bonding with bailey, and even sammie cuddles. i knew i would get tired. i knew that some days would be harder than others. i knew that some days i would need a break and just to calm down.
i didn’t know that i would find myself getting so excited to go home at times this early in the race. i didn’t know that i would be so extremely homesick that i didn’t know how to handle it. i didn’t know that i would get drained and exhausted emotionally, spiritually, and physically for almost two whole months.
the race is hard. some days it’s not fun. some days result in too many tears. some days result in a lot of hugs. some days you just need 2,000 naps. some days you just need to facetime your family for four hours. some days you just need to eat an entire tub of ice cream alone and be sad. some days you just need to lay in your hammock with your music all the way up, or a movie you downloaded for the millionth time on netflix to drown out the noise of community.
everyday i’m learning to see in a new light and new perspective. i’m loving it, but boy am i tired. i’m learning that it’s okay to feel worn out and be sad and miss home. i’m learning how important it is to live in the present; the here and now.
however, it is difficult living in the present when you find out your flight plans back to the states. on june 2nd at 11:36am, our flight from ecuador will land in miami international airport. that will mark the end of the race. since i know all of this, that means booking a hotel room and a flight home the next day and planning with my parents all of those things. miami is a reoccurring topic on my mind. it comes up in a lot of my conversations and long bus rides to and from ministry. giving me plenty of time to think doesn’t help.
i hope you don’t twist my words and assume i’m wanting to buy a ticket and fly home right now this second, that’s not what i’m saying. what i’m saying is that i’m just really freakin tired. the race is hard. learning how to lean on God in everything, whether that be attitude, trusting Him with your life, whatever. it’s beautifully difficult. it’s an experience. it’s worth it. i’m constantly growing and learning.
i’m tired, but i’m still kickin. the last two months have been extremely hard in all aspects, and so, so draining, but that doesn’t keep me from lookin on the bright sides and towards the One who created and provides those sides.
one thing that the race has taught me and is continuing to teach me, is trust. trusting the Lord that He has me and that He is constantly there. trusting the Lord that He won’t leave me down in the dirt in this hard season. trusting that He will provide. trusting that His plans are better than mine. trusting Him to give me the strength and the energy for the next 4 months. trusting God is so hard for me sometimes because i’m such an independent person and i’ve had to lay that down (lol that was NOT easy) and allow Him to take that. i’ve had to learn how to DEPEND on Him. i’ve had to learn the hard truth that i am incapable of doing this on my own.
another thing He’s still teaching me is how to live with community. living with community is so stinkin’ hard and i love every single soul on this squad and on my team, but i’ve been learning how much i need to be alone sometimes. and if not alone, just in some QUIET. you don’t get a lot of that living in one big house in costa rica with 35 or so people. you can’t really just go to your room either when you share one with six other people. learning how to snatch that chance when you get it and how to just not is hard have it isn’t easy.
one more thing that the Father is teaching me is to be uncomfortable. as most of you know, kids are NOT my forte. i babysit and i nanny and i LOVE to do that! it’s different in other countries. there’s a language barrier and i’m learning that kids in other countries are most definitely not the same or well behaved. it’s sad, really when you can’t really talk to them and when it gets hard to love them when they’re always so naughty. i’m having to step out of my comfort zone by:
- being with kids in general. 2 or 3 is one thing, but 12+ is another. it’s like being at VBS for 2 months straight (some of you will get what i’m saying)
- not being relational with adults like i’ve been used to doing and getting to do so far on the race.
anyway, yeah that’s my life right now. :))))
if you could be praying for me to have just a spirit to keep going and for more energy in order to make through the rest of the race that would be awesome. pray for me to see the beauty in everyday living in these last two countries whether it’s with kids or adults. pray for me to find rest physically, spiritually and emotionally (i’ve been a WRECK emotionally). and prayers for peace too.
thank you all for you support and prayers throughout this journey. i’m excited to see what else God has in store for me and for some more growth! woohoo for growing in all aspects!!! XD
