Backstory:
Two nights ago, during a team feedback session, my awesome leader, Ash, encouraged the Wellspring women to create our own, personally unique Psalm. She challenged us to pour out our hearts just as David poured out his time and again in this amazing book. She told us to be real, raw. I jumped at the opportunity, as I truly love to write. I love to process things through written word, and I'm an avid journaler (journalist?).
I went back and forth over whether or not to share it with my blogger world, but I'm a huge advocate of being real, being honest, and I'll tell anyone I meet that I'm pretty much an open book. A couple weeks ago, I posted a prayer that I had written, a very real, heart-felt prayer. Lately I've been feeling a bit anxious about the future, I've felt anxious to hear God's voice and know His will for my life, and I've been struggling a bit with missing home. So, in the spirit of continuing to be open and honest, here's my Psalm:
Oh, my Father, Lord of my Heart
Where have you gone?
My soul longs for you as for a long-lost love.
My ears yearn to hear your comforting whispers.
I ache to be wrapped in your strong embrace.
My thoughts and my emotions wage war against each other.
My mind and my heart are battered from the blows;
they are a desolate battlefield.
My soul's desire is for the comforts of home,
the affections of my family, the laugher of my dear friends.
But I am overcome with fear at the very same time.
I tremble to meditate on the future.
Will I find a job I love?
Will I afford the bills as they stack up,
threatening to bury me underneath?
Will I still be loved?
Will you call me again onto the battlefield?
Why do I wish away the thing I wanted so much?
Lord, you know I wanted adventure.
Lord, I said I'd follow you wherever you would lead.
Lord, I never imagined it would be this hard.
You blessed me more than I can even express,
but it was not without cost.
My heart has broken;
my flesh has torn away.
The new, pure, and holy me is beginning to show through.
Lord, I hate the pain,
yet I want to be more like you.
I hestitate to even ask for it,
for fear of losing who I was.
But who I was is who I am not.
I am she no longer.
I am Yours, my beloved Father,
my Creator, my Redeemer,
my One True Love.
And that is all I need to know.
