Here I am in the middle of Month 10 of my 11-month journey. And here in beautiful Morogoro, Tanzania, I am happy as a clam. We have running water this month and… wait for it… electricity. We feel spoiled for sure after outdoor squatty potties and no electricity last month in Uganda. But what really warms my heart is this…
We get to work with kids again this month! After two months of evangelism and preaching ministry, I am so excited about going to talk in schools and doing children’s ministry in the street. This is where I feel alive.
So, maybe I shouldn’t, but I’ve been literally counting down the days until I set feet on American soil. This journey has been nothing less than amazing, but also exhausting and challenging in every sense. But somewhere in the last couple days, it hit me: I’m going back to the “Real World.” And instead of the thrill that usually makes my stomach do a little back flip when I think of going home, I got scared.
This whole time I have been so looking forward to going back to the comforts of home. With every inch of myself I am craving the familiar. So far this year I’ve slept in 41 different locations, I have eaten loads of unfamiliar foods, I have attempted to speak 7 different languages, and met hundreds of new faces. You think I’d be comfortable with change at this point. And I am… as long as it’s on the Race.
Because the good ole U.S. of A is supposed to be comfortable, familiar, a place to breathe easy after 11 months of constant change. It’s supposed to…
But then I got a nice kick in the rear from my dear friend, Reality.
I felt my old anxious tendencies come rushing back to me. When trying to fall asleep one night, there was tightness in my stomach and chest, and my mind was racing. I couldn't turn off my brain, I couldn't calm down. I was worrying about making decisions about my job back home. I was worrying about how hard the transition home is going to be. I was worrying about how people back home have continued with their lives, changed, moved on… All of it is just hard to swallow, even though I know that it’s a reality I need to accept.
This whole Race, I think I've been banking on coming home to the familiar, the comfortable, and everything being ok and normal again. But I know I need to accept that not only have other people grown and moved on the last 11 months that I’ve been away, but so have I. I am not the same as when I left. And the thought of that started to freak me out.
It's what I wanted all along. I knew something (or things, plural) in me needed to change. But now that they have, I'm worried that I'm going to be a complete basket case when I get back. I worry that the US won't feel like home. I am worried my friends and family will see a difference in me and not accept it.
I have been reading Kisses from Katie, a book about a girl from Brentwood, TN who lives in Uganda, adopted 14 children, and started her own ministry to feed, clothe and send hundreds of needy children to school. And I realize that her heart and mine are extremely similar. Her heart breaks for the same reasons mine does. She sees the broken, family-less, sick, bereft children and wants to do something about it. It made me remember that this is why I came. And I realize that my time doing mission work overseas isn't over. When the Race ends, that’s not where I stop. I feel like God has so much in store for me still, which is exciting and scary at the same time.
But it's that difference in me that scares me. I feel like God is wrecking my world all over again… shouldn't I be used to change and transition by now? Shouldn't the transition home be just another move like I've been making all year? But it's different this time because it's not completely new. I've been there before. I lived in it for the previous 25 years. So now I have to assimilate back into something I already know, but it's not the same, just as I am not the same. I have expectations about coming home, whereas I've learned to leave my expectations at the door when I enter a new country on the Race.
No matter how hard I tried to distract myself, I couldn't stop my mind from racing with worry. I said to God, "You are WRECKING my world again, Lord. WHY?" I knew I needed to sit before the Lord and get it all off my chest. So I went outside with my bible & journal and hashed it out with God.
I pretty much ranted to Him about how I'm freaking out over this and this and this. And the Lord sweetly spoke to me, "I am your HELP." He led me to verses where that truth is confirmed. Over and over, God whispered His truth to comfort me…
I am your refuge and strength,
I am in your midst,
I will not let you be moved,
You need only to be still,
I, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, am your Help,
I will keep your life,
I am with you,
Fear not,
I will uphold you,
I will keep your going out and your coming in.
It's SO true. How do I keep forgetting?
So, the transition home won’t be easy like I’d hoped. But God promises to be there and walk through it with me. Just like He’s been my strength this whole year, He’ll be there when I’m home too.
Maybe I am a basket case… my emotions seem to contradict each other sometimes. But I know the One who is Constant. And He is with me through every mile, every country, every change.
