There are a few defining moments on the race when I have felt my heart break into pieces. The first time it happened was in Nicaragua for Katie. I didn’t know what was happening, but I silently sobbed for the next couple of hours while I processed it. It happened again in Honduras when I had to leave the kids behind. It happened again after we had a long layover in the States, and I realized I had to go back on the field and my journey wasn’t even halfway done. It happened again this month. And you’d think that this time I would have been ready for it, that this time my heart would be used to it. But I’m not sure anything could’ve prepared me for it this time. This time, not only did my heart break, but the world around me came crashing down. Because this time,
I sat and watched a girl get bought for the night.
After a long, strange, and yet unimportant sequence of events, Kaitlin, Brad, and I ended up in a tattoo parlor from 6:30pm – 1:30am one night while Brad got his new tattoo. It just so happened that this tattoo place was right across the street from a bar in the middle of the red light district in Chiang Rai.
It was probably around 9:00 when the bar opened and it took a while for things to really get going. But there was one Thai girl who would hang out at the front of the bar and was always dancing.
Our host had told us that most bars would hire a girl or two to “lure people in” for the night. If it worked, the girls were then supposed to make sure they were having fun. Get them to buy drinks, make sure they stay, do whatever it takes. In a sense, the idea is that
these girls are supposed to sell themselves to make sure the men have a nice evening.
Make him laugh, dance for him, make him feel wanted, do whatever it takes. And if he wants to pay to take her home at the end of the night, even better.
We saw it all happen.
We saw as the girl would hang out with the farangs (white people) who were our age and there drinking. And if I’m honest, it was hard not to be mad at them. “They’re so ignorant” I would think as the white girls danced with the Thai girl, and the white-haired, American man stood by and stared with an absolute disgusting look of pleasure on his face. “Why are they (the people my age) not doing anything?” I wondered. Then it hit me…
Why am I just sitting here not doing anything?
I started getting anxious. “I’ve gotta do something, what can I do?” I had been praying for the opportunity to minister in these areas and here was the opportunity! Right in my face! And in pure shame I realized: I have no idea what to do. “Who’s ignorant now?” was whispered into my heart all night long.
I thought about past blogs I’ve read. I thought about how other ministries who specialize in this would handle it. I thought, I should go in there and buy the girl a Coke! I’ll talk to her for a while, try and just love on her. But then I remembered that this can sometimes get her into trouble by the “Bar Mom” … and I didn’t want that. I also thought about how our host had asked us to stay out of the bars because they didn’t want to taint their ministry. Which is fair.
So I continued to just sit and watch.
I watched as she drank more and more. I watched as men touched her more and more. I watched until I couldn’t sit still any longer.
Kaitlin and I decided to go prayer walking. So we walked down the street, pleading our desires for this area out loud to The Lord. We prayed for freedom, we prayed for discernment, we prayed for the girls, and we prayed for the men. We prayed for righteous justice.
We returned to the tattoo parlor and kept praying. And kept watching. The night continues, and now she’s very focused on one guy in particular.
I watched as he went up to the Bar Mom. My heart sank. “Oh no. He’s negotiating a price. This is it.” I watched as he laid down the money. And then I watched as he walked out of the bar. Alone.
I sighed. Praise Jesus! The money must have been for drinks only. And then… She chases him into the street. She latches her arms around his neck and is saying something to him I can’t understand. It’s confusing. In the moment I wonder how manipulated she has been that she runs to this kind of man for comfort? He kisses her, and appears to say goodbye; he leaves.
And then he returns.
My heart leaps. “No!! No, he left. No, it was just the drinks he was paying for. No, she’s not actually going to go with him.” Except she does. She finishes her cleaning duties for the night, talks to the Bar Mama briefly, and then hops on the back of this guy’s moped.
I sat and watched as she rode into the night, away from my sight and into the unknown.
My world shattered.
I’ve always been fearful of the moment when God returns. Because I have so much more that I want out of life. But the moment I saw her leave with him, I wanted nothing more than to see Jesus come. Right then and there. And split this damned street in half in the process. I wanted Him to come and take the girl, take me, take Katie and take the kids from Honduras. Take us all, Lord, and save us from this darkness.
“That did not just happen. There is no way a fair and loving God would allow that. Sydney, you just sat there! You sat there for hours, you stared, and yet you never once did anything.”
I hung my head to hide the pain I know my face was showing, and I saw my shiny new tattoo staring at me.
“for His glory”
I wanted to rip it off of my skin. What part of the last few hours was for His glory? I had sat there, frozen for hours. I saw everything from the time the bar opened to the time it closed. I saw it all, and yet I didn’t offer any action. And at the end of the night she was sold because of it.
I’d like to believe that my prayers were action. That it wasn’t that I didn’t do anything, but that I cried out to the One who could do something – who has the power to do everything.
But He didn’t. God had watched as she left with the man, too.
Where is the goodness in that? Romans 8:28 promises that He works all thing together for His good. How is that possible?
How is that possible when there are kids being abused by their fathers? Kids being raped by their uncles? Kids being sold for one night of “pleasure?”
I came on this race expecting to see God move in miraculous ways. I expected to be blown away by how He would work in dark situations. I did not expect that by month 6, this world would have shown me so much brokenness that I would start questioning the goodness of my Creator. That my view of the world would shatter.
I wish I could tell you I have it figured out. I wish I could tell you that I’ve faced the darkness, and yet still see the light. I wish I could tell you this story has a happy ending. But it doesn’t. Not yet at least.
Even if I’m struggling to believe in God’s unshakable goodness, I do still believe in righteous justice. And I believe there will be a time when we’re called home. And Katie will never again have to suffer at the hand of her father. And the kids in Honduras will have a loving, safe, family they never had the opportunity of having on earth. And that Thai girl will never again have a man touch her inappropriately, or have a man buy a part of her soul for a night of lust. Kingdom will come, that I’m sure of.
They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. – Revelation 7:16-17 ESV
