“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me.”
I first heard “Oceans” by Hillsong United when I was in the process of deciding whether or not the WR was my next step. I heard it at church, but I was working with Guest Services that week, so I wasn’t really “worshipping.” But I noticed the song and memorized some of the lyrics, because they really spoke to me. A few days later, in my quiet time, I felt the call to the WR once again. But the thought still scared me. Remembering some of the lyrics from the song I’d heard that week, I googled them, and found the Oceans on YouTube.
Tears streamed down my face as I listened to the song on repeat. I knew in my heart this was what God wanted from me, but I wasn’t ready to let go of my own life plans yet. Fast forward 6 months, I’ve applied, been accepted, and have started the WR journey. In many ways, I thought this meant I have let go of my own life plans, and have chosen to follow God’s will for my life.
However, I find myself being constantly reminded that there is no past tense of “letting go.” Not for me, or at least not yet. I have not “let go” of my life as in it’s something that is done and complete. But it’s something that I have to do on a daily basis. Every single day of my life I have to remind myself to trust God. Trust His will, His plans. Every single day I have to let go. I have to give up my independence, my desires, my pride. Again, and again, and again.
Preparing to go on the WR has only increased these reminders. I know next year will be hard, I’m not naïve. However, I wasn’t expecting the preparation for next year to be this hard. My future squad mate, Andie, wrote in her blog about her struggles with this, and I felt like it was so close to what I was feeling, that I could just share her words:
“Through the last couple of weeks though, God has really been showing me what it means to be dependent on Him. What it looks like to love relentlessly, the way He loves, without hesitation. He has shown the borders I’ve put up due to the way I see things – due to my own understanding … God is stretching me. It’s been especially hard learning to ask for support for the World Race. I want to think I can do it on my own- just me and God’s provision but, He is challenging me to be more active in what is the hardest part- in asking for help from His people. He is showing me how to let go of things and just let Him be God. Let go of the pride I take in my independence and be fully dependent on Him. Trust Him to fulfill the things He has promised. Trust Him with my heart, my friendships, the World Race, my future, and my right now. He wants my trust in Him to be one without limitations. A genuine trust in Him that is without borders.”
It’s hard living in the present, while knowing what next year holds. It’s hard watching all my college friends apply for teaching positions that start in August knowing that I can’t do the same. It’s hard watching people pick out new apartments to live in and knowing I have to give mine up in 2 months and move home. It’s hard knowing I’m leaving my friends and family for 11 months. It’s hard after 6 years of coaching, knowing I won’t be with my swimmers next year. Everything about this is hard.
But do you know what’s harder? The thought of NOT going on the race. The thought of saying no to God’s will. Because deep down, in the deepest part of my heart, I do trust Him. And I know that His plans are better than my own.
“Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior.”
