Dear Eli,
Mi mejor amiga! Cómo estás? Cómo estaba escuela hoy?
Those were our greetings to each other for a month. Do you remember that? … Do you remember me?
I still very clearly remember you. I remember a few moments very vividly. Probably because I recorded them, and I still play them back when I miss you. I remember you cleaning off your feet in that sink that you always asked me to lift you to so you could drink. You squealed with laughter the whole time, probably because I was laughing at you for bathing in the sink. I remember you raising your arms towards me so that I would lift you up – you had to have me carrying you everywhere. Most of the time you didn’t even look up at me, because you knew that I couldn’t resist holding you in my arms, and I didn’t need very much convincing.
I remember playing on the swings with you for the first few days while we started to get to know each other. I remember swinging with you on my lap, and then the swing breaking! You were so mad at me, but I hope you know I never wanted to hurt you.
And it makes sense, how could I have expected you to trust me in that moment? You didn’t really know me, and you had been hurt in my presence. I didn’t know it at that point, but you had been hurt a lot in your past. I’m guessing you knew a lot more about hurt and pain than anyone should know at your age.
You got mad at me another day. I can’t even remember why now. But I remember I hurt your feelings so badly, without even realizing it, that you told me you never wanted to see me again. And then you didn’t come back the next day. My heart broke. That night I had to realize that you were not mine… you were God’s. And I had to give you to Him. I started questioning that if I could not love you well, how do I show you that God loves you? Eli, do you know that God loves you?
That’s not the only thing I’ve questioned about you.
See thankfully you did come back to the feeding center, and you were still my best friend. And then… I left. How did leaving show that I loved you? How many other short term mission teams will come through and leave you?
How much did you actually open your heart to me? Was it a lot? If so, did my leaving just hurt you? Will more teams coming and going hurt you, and eventually give you a hardened heart? Or maybe, was your heart already hardened before I came along? Because Eli, my sweet, sweet little girl, here’s the truth. I opened way more of my heart to you than I ever thought I would on a trip like this. And I don’t regret that at all. And I wanted so badly for you to be mine. I mean if there had been a chance to take you with me, I would’ve left the race and done my hardest to make you officially mine. You grabbed a hold of my heart, and you still have a tight grip on it today. I love you, so much.
But you aren’t mine. Like I said, I had to learn that you are God’s. And He loves you so much more than I could ever love you. And Eli, he doesn’t ever want you to harden your heart. I don’t know how difficult it is for you to have teams coming and going, but know this: God will never leave you.
And I know that’s hard to believe when you go home from the feeding center, and your dad hits you, and your mom is digging through trash to find enough money to put food on the table. And your baby sister who brought joy into your life is gone because of a tragic situation, and I get it. Where is God in that?
If only you knew how much I struggle with that still today. If only you knew how angry I’ve gotten at God because I had to leave you there in that situation. But what I really want you to know is how much God has comforted me, and how much closer I’ve gotten to Him because I had to leave you there.
And when I finally can’t take it anymore and break down, and cry out to God, and plead with him to show me the goodness… HE DOES.
So Eli, my best friend, if there’s one thing I could leave you with, it’s this: Let God show you the goodness in life. Don’t close your heart to Him. EVER. Because, girl, you are worth so much more than that.
You deserve so much more than that.
I still miss you. In fact, I dreamed about you last night. I was somehow in Nicaragua again, and I immediately found you, and swept you into my arms. I wept, held you as tight as possible, and just kept saying “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
And sweet girl, that’s exactly how God feels about you.
