I feel like I get asked this on a daily basis; “Aren’t you excited! Your trip is so soon!” And up until today I felt the need to plaster a smile on my face as my stomach turned and say “Yes!! Nervous, but very excited!” And then continue on with a polite conversation about how wonderful this trip will be, and how amazing the next 11 months will be. All the while, pretending like I’m not actually having a panic attack inside of me.
Because I’m not excited. Maybe deep down, but on the surface? Nope, excitement is not an emotion I have. Anxiety, fear, nervousness? Those are definitely on the surface. And I feel like I haven’t been able to be open about that for a couple of reasons. 1) I’m still asking people to support this trip prayerfully and financially. How do I explain to my supporters that I’m not excited? 2) I don’t want people to think I don’t want to go on this trip; because I do!
But one of my teammates gave me some very sound advice when we talked on the phone yesterday. She said, “I’m not going to pretend to feel something I don’t. I’m not going to pretend to be excited when I’m not.” So guys… I’m done pretending. Yes, I know this trip will be wonderful, and amazing, and I’ll get to see and do things other people just dream about. And I’m so glad y’all see how exciting this year will be. And once I’m in the midst of it, I know I’ll be excited. But some days, it’s hard for me to see past everything else that has to happen before the trip. It’s hard for me to see past the stress of packing, and the pain of goodbyes.
I felt called to this trip, and I AM GOING ON THIS TRIP. But to be honest, some days I don’t want to go. Some days, I don’t want to leave.
Because leaving means saying goodbye. And I physically can’t imagine that. I try to picture saying goodbye to my boyfriend, and my family. And the only thing I imagine I’ll be able to muster is… nothing. I can only picture myself collapsing on the ground and crying for at least 12 solid hours.
I’ve already said a lot of tough goodbyes. I’ve said goodbye to friends who have stood the test of time. I’ve said goodbye to my swimmers who have touched my heart in ways I could have never imagined. But how do I say goodbye to a family who drops everything in the middle of August to throw an “Express Christmas” together because I won’t be home this December 25th? How do I say goodbye to a man who pushes me each day to further my relationship with God and whose love gives me a glimpse into the love God has for me? And as silly as it sounds, how do I say goodbye to a dog I love an embarrassingly large amount, and that I’m so afraid won’t remember me when I come home?
Because I honestly have no idea how I’ll manage it. And I’m done putting on a brave face and pretending like it’ll be no big deal. Because it seems like a huge deal to me. But then I think about what my old swim coach said to me. “Sydney, you’re not dying. You’ll be home in less than a year.” It seems like common sense. But it’s something I have to repeat in my head with every “goodbye” because this is not a “goodbye forever.” As certain as I am that I’m going on this trip, I’m just as certain that I’m coming home from this trip. And as hard as leaving seems, it only means that God has blessed me greatly, and I have that much more to come home to.
So how am I going to say goodbye? I have no idea. I do know this: I do not have the courage it takes to step on that plane and leave for 11 months. The truth is, I won’t be able to do it. It will only be by the grace of God that I find the strength required of me. And that’s encouraging because my God has never failed. And he won’t start now.
Psalm 73:26 – My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Jeremiah 20:11 – But the Lord is with me like a mighty warrior
Deuteronomy 31:6 – Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified…, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
So I know I will do this. I know I’m meant to do this. But bear with and keep praying for me. Because these next 10 days will be the hardest I have yet to experience.
Update: We found out our first ministry contacts for the race! Team Free Indeed will be pairing up with Team Warrior to serve YWAM in Chiriqui, Panama. We’ll be arriving there 2 weeks from today (on September 10th), and we will be most likely working with a local kids club and serving the indigenous people of Panama. I’m super pumped for what God has in store for us in Panama!
