It’s been 3 months in quite possibly, the greatest place in the world. I haven’t seen a good majority of the world, but I don’t think I need to to know that Cape Town is one special place.
No matter where you go, there just isn’t a bad view. There is mountain views everywhere, vast blue skies and SO MUCH WATER. Literally you can look out and see just miles and miles of beautiful, bright blue waters. It is so intriguing and much different than any place I have gotten the pleasure to live. The weather is incredible. It is never too hot, and theres always a nice little ocean breeze. They say February is the hottest part of the year, which genuinely blows my mind because it isn’t even hot.
Every night God uses His hands to paint the most flawless sunsets. Theres just streaks of pink and orange and purple throughout the skies over the mountains. Truthfully, it just never seems like I am looking at the real sky.
Aside from the sites and the weather, the people are the greatest. Not only have we been blessed by the most loving host family, we have been blessed immensely from just people we have met on the streets, in church, at our ministry sites. People here are SO friendly. They have been interested in getting to know us and spend time with us.
Believe it or not, people here actually talk to you when you pass them on the street. Crazy thought right? I thought that only happened in movies!
There is just not one thing in Cape Town that I can find a flaw in. Not saying I get some enjoyment out of looking for flaws in things, but there just isn’t one thing I can say I wish was different.
Coming into Africa, this is not what I expected in the slightest. When I hear Africa, I am instantly picturing lions and elephants and small villages and huts and lots of excited African children everywhere. Cape Town is very similar to America. Lots of shopping malls, lots of grocery stores, lots of restaurants, lots and lots of everything. It was quite the culture shock to come from Asia to here.
I have received a lot of comments such as, “Well are you even still on the race? It looks like your on vacation.” or “You’re not roughing it right now, you’re living the life!”
And all I have to say to that is that, I am just as surprised as you are. This is not what I thought at all.
Although we have abnormally excellent world race living conditions, and being in a place that gives us such a feel of home, The Lord has been showing up in BIG ways in ministry and personally— you don’t need to be in the middle of nowhere to be on a missions trip, to grow, or share the love of Christ.
The last 3 months have been extremely important growing months for me. Although it has been a growing process the last 19 years of my life, the last 3 months have instilled a new sense of confidence in me, one that I haven’t expected out of myself or knew that I had in me.
With my time in South Africa, I have been learning so much about who I am and my identity in Christ.
Before coming on the race, I struggled.
I struggled with myself. I struggled with how I looked. I struggled with accepting my learning disability. I struggled with always comparing myself to others. I struggled with the fact that I thought I would never be good enough. I struggled with who I was, and who I wanted to be. I just struggled. Looking in the mirror sucked. Going on with my day to day life sucked. Going out with my friends sucked. Something about myself was missing, and I was desperately trying to find it and fill it, just so I could be okay with myself and where I was at.
No, I didn’t hate myself- but I was always wishing for something more. I wanted to be something more than what I was. There were times I just wanted to be someone else because it appeared that being me, was never going to be satisfactory enough.
Then I came on the race.
There are so many insanely beautiful people inside and out on my squad. Within seconds of even getting to training camp, the comparisons started. I took myself and compared me to every other girl there. What they wore, how they did their hair, what shoes they had on. It even got to the point where I was comparing myself spiritually to them. “Why am I not connecting with God on this level?” “How come He is showing up in their life here and not mine?”
Petty, ridiculous questions. Questions that are actually pretty stupid and don’t even make sense.
But that was my thought process of it and it actually made myself pretty miserable.
Fast forward to Thailand.
As you all already know, I was on a farm. If you are just joining me on my world race adventure and do not know, I had the pleasure of living in the mountains of Thailand for 2 months. It was hot. It was buggy. It was humid. The hygiene situation there was not what I was used to and I did manual labor a good majority of my week.
Continuing on:
Thailand from the beginning was rough.
If I had one thing that made me feel semi- better about myself and how I looked, it was that at home I could constantly live behind on a face of make up and cute clothes. I was able to do my hair and make sure it was just how I liked it. I also was always able to fill my eyebrows in, which by the way I take very seriously.
Yeah, well all that from day one of the race was quickly taken away from me.
The only clothes I had were my world race clothes. Athletic tank tops and shorts, plain colored shirts from Target and a few pairs of bermuda jean shorts. AKA a backpack full of clothes that I would never wear at home.
Not only that, my make up was long gone and still in my bedroom back in the states. Even if I wanted to wear make up, I wouldn’t be able to because it would sweat right off my face while I was shoveling all that goat poop.
Thankfully, the only mirror we had was super small, very dirty and cracked so I really could only imagine what I looked like. That in itself was a very scary thought.
Right from the beginning, The Lord took away everything that made me comfortable in my own skin. I literally felt uncomfortable in my own skin my entire time in Thailand and Cambodia was the same situation essentially, so it only got worse. While I didn’t know it then, I can see why He did what He did and what He wanted me to learn from it.
It’s been 6 months since Thailand, and its safe to say that the last 6 months I have been growing and walking in that. Now, as my time here in South Africa comes to a close I finally am seeing what He had truly been teaching me and what that means in my life.
In South Africa, God gave me 17 other people to live with. Here, I was now in a house full of people to compare myself to. There was 8 other girls now living with me, so yeah I had a lot of people to work with here. And it was back to thinking that I wasn’t doing enough during ministry. I wasn’t having these huge revelations in my heart that others were having. I wasn’t connecting with people and the kids as well as everyone else was.
Everything. Was. A. Comparison.
In South Africa, God gave me those things back I was missing in Thailand. Here I was able to dress nicer than the last 4 months, and wear make up without it melting off my face. It wasn’t my usual things that I was used to, but it was the closest to home that I would probably get. At first, I was incredibly excited. I was like “Yes! I can finally be normal again! I can look normal again! I’m going to feel better, because now I have the things that make me comfortable”
So I did what I could with what I had, I even went out and bought new make up and clothes. But when I put it on, it didn’t even matter. I didn’t really feel any better. I was still comparing myself to all the other girls. I was still thinking that I wasn’t doing enough for anyone.
I thought that it was weird, considering these were the things that I was missing. These were the things I had been waiting for. These are the things that granted me a whirl of some sense of self confidence. These are the things I had been dying to have back the last 3 months. Now, I had them back and I still felt awful. How could that be?
And it could be, because I didn’t understand God’s love for me. I didn’t understand who I was in Him. I didn’t understand that the way I was, was exactly who He wants me to be. I am His beloved. Me. Everything I am, is what He loves. He tells me I am adored. He tells me that I am His daughter. He wants me and MY heart, not anyone else’s. His plan for me, is different than the plan He has for anyone else.
Sure, I knew these things and have been told them time and time again, but did I really believe them?
The thing about God is that He loves. He loves unconditionally and He loves so deep. Each person in this world was created in His image.
The act of impressing others is irrelevant. What people think of you is irrelevant. The thoughts that consume your mind and bring negative connotations to your life are not words spoken from God. They are words of the enemy. The Lord would never fill your mind with such thoughts and words of degrading feelings.
It’s not that I don’t trust God, or you don’t trust Him and believe Him. I know it is easier said than done. I can’t say that one morning I just woke up and it all made sense. I didn’t just one day realize it. It was a course of years and months to understand what it truly means and to allow myself to truly believe it. Nonetheless, the sooner the better, but it by no means comes easy.
In John 10:27-29 He says:
“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.”
It took long, but after so much time of fighting the enemy, I will no longer let him win. I will no longer let his words fill me with a terrible self image. I will no longer let him have a grip on a disability that bothers me every day of my life. I will no longer let him tell me that I am not enough. I will no longer let him have the control of letting him compare me to those around me.
In Christ, I have the power of freedom. I have the power to be know the voice of Our Almighty Creator, and know that His voice is one that speaks truth. His voice echoes positive thoughts. His voice is the one who grants me life. His voice is the one who calms my soul and reminds me that I can be content and rest in His promises.
No one will snatch ME out of HIS powerful and loving hand. I am His, and He is mine.
