I knew I wasn’t ready.
I wasn’t ready to leave home- the only place I have consistantly been for the last 18 years. I knew I wasn’t ready to leave behind my family- the beautiful people I have been able to laugh with, be sad with, argue with and share with. I knew I wasn’t ready to leave behind my friends- I’ve grown up with the same girls my entire life and have had always had them right down the street and a phone call away. I knew I wasn’t ready to leave the comforts of home- my room with all my clothes and bed, my bathroom with running water and toilets and actual showers, air conditioning, wifi and a pantry full of all my favorite snacks.
I really was’t ready to be real with myself and admit that there are parts of me that are simply who I am, and parts of myself that I need to change.
I wasn’t ready to face my fears, I wasn’t ready to look in the mirror (hypothetically of course, because there isn’t any mirrors here!) and be honest with my struggles. I wasn’t ready to wake up every day and challenge myself.
But here I am, two weeks in and I’m doing it. Without a doubt, it has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.
As much as I would love to update my blog and tell you how peachy life is for me out on the farm, I can’t. Personally, it has been a struggle.
The struggle hasn’t been with the work load, my teammates or the lack of home comforts, but rather with myself.
If there is one thing for me that has been difficult for me to accept, it is knowing that my brain doesn’t work like everyone else. My thought process, my reactions, my ability to carry conversations, and my cause and effect actions are all different than those of most people I know.
My junior year of high school, I was diagnosed with a non-verbal learning disability, anxiety and ADHD. While I am forever grateful to finally have got answers as to why I have been the way I am, it has been incredibly painful both emotionally and spiritually.
People with a non-verbal learning disability often come off as lazy. Not only is it a proven fact, it has something I have dealt with my whole life. No one could ever understand why simple tasks like cleaning the shower, doing the dishes, solving a basic math equation, and dusting shelves took me so long. Not only would it take me a long time, half the time it wouldn’t even be done correctly. Thus, this resulted in frustration from my parents, my teachers and my bosses. Not only did it frustrate them, but me as well. I could tell you exactly what you told me to do, but just not get my body to do it. Then, it would become even worse because I could never find the words to explain myself.
Moreover, this disability makes it difficult for me to tell sarcasm apart from an actual sentence. I remember there was a time where my mom repeadetly told me to put some elbow grease in me washing the floor, and I sat there and cried because I could not possibly get my elbows to work any harder than they already were. (Feel free to chuckle, we all do now)
While this is just a small part of my struggles, it offers a glimpse into what I go through daily.
The last two weeks have been filled with anxiety and worry knowing that it would only be a matter of time before someone cracked a joke and I wouldn’t understand it and the fear of being called out and told I am lazy or otherwise because I can’t figure out how to do a project on the farm or I didn’t do it correctly after it being explained to me 20 times.
These last two weeks have been full of me expanding my comfort zone beyond measure. I have had to build simple things, pray out loud, read from the bible and explain my thoughts about passages, answer questions about myself and my thoughts on the spot and simply have conversations with people I have never even met.
To the average person, those tasks are literally nothing. They’re average. They’re typical. They’re something that just comes natural, like common sense. But all those things for me, are terrible. It sends me into a frenzy and wishing I could dig myself a hole and crawl right in it to avoid the challenge.
These last two years have been spent with being absolutely bitter with God. I have been frustrated that He gave me such a challenge that seems impossible to conquer. I am upset that He made my mind and my brain different than everyone else. Lately, I’ve been questioning why he brought me to such a challenging and intense 9 months when He knows my struggles and my heart.
Slowly, I am beginning to be thankful that He did.
I have always surrounded myself with people who understand me and what I go through. I never step outside of my comfort zone, due to the fear of having a social catastrophe. I have been afraid to branch out to new people knowing that eventually I would have to explain myself to them because after a few minutes with me, it becomes terribly obvious. I just avoided new situations at all costs, simply to save myself.
Furthermore, I typically depended on my mom. She did all the research on my disabilities and was able to understand them far better than me. She became- and still is- my advocate, a job I am terrified of doing myself.
Well, now I have no choice.
I am out on my own with people I met just over a month ago and they are perhaps the most awesome group of people I could have been placed with.
I knew that at some point, I would have to share what I go through. I knew that it was only fair for them to know, and it was fair to me as well so I wouldn’t set myself up to fail. I was absolutely scared out of mind but I knew it was a safe place. It took me a while to come forward, but when I did I was SO happy and relieved. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I have never been surrounded by so many amazing, understanding people who were just so willing to understand. They were so willing to help me and ask questions of how they can help me and offer words of encouragement.
I was overwhelmed with joy.
This week, The Lord has been showing me that I need to trust in Him, because He does not set anyone up to fail. My situation really isn’t my favorite, but I am learning that I can take comfort knowing He made me exactly how he wanted me. I am on this crazy thing called The World Race for a reason- I have my very own purpose of being here, even though I may have not found it yet.
A special shoutout to my wonderful team: Lex Martin, Courtney Grever, Jack Sentz, Maddux Martin, Rye Donohue- thank you for being you. The Lord has blessed me with some awesome people to take this journey with.
Psalm 139:14
