A week ago from today I was meeting with my pastor to talk about if I should go on the world race or not… No big deal, right?!
I showed up. My heart was nearly beating out of my chest. I was so consumed by my fears and anxieties.
Let me honest with you for a second… When I first heard of the World Race the three words that came to mind were freedom, adventure, and fun. I thought how FREAKING COOL would it be if I got to travel the world?!?! I mean come on, this trip was made for me, I have adventurous wild girl in my blood… Right? Cool pictures, cool places, new friends, experiences of a lifetime… Wow, what could possibly be better?! And then how easily I became so convinced that this was the Lord’s calling on my life… Because after all if you want to go on a mission trip, and you want others to financially support you it has to be the Lords calling on your life, right?!
One selfish thought led to another selfish thought. One mind consuming daydream after another. It was like I had left and went to fantasy land the past 8 months. And I just returned with reality. The painful reality.
The reality that I am a selfish punk, who is in DESPERATE need of God’s grace. Never have I so tangibly seen grace in my life than in this past week. I came face to face with my sin. And in that moment there was NOTHING I could do besides turn to the Lord and repent and plead for His grace in my life. It was so raw, so beautiful, and SO incredibly humbling. But it hurt like hell, and my heart is still recovering from the wounds of my own sin.
A week ago I was hit with all of this. I have been reading a book by Francis Chan titled, You and Me Forever– Marriage in light of eternity. It’s got me hooked. Chapter 4, Marriage in light of our mission talked about 8 reasons to focus on the mission. At the end of the chapter it says,
Evaluate your pursuit of the mission
-What aspects of your life demonstrate that your God-given mission of making disciples means anything to you?
-What aspects of your life stand in blatant disobedience to God’s commands to make disciples?
And there I sat with tears streaming down my face, thinking holy crap what have I been doing all my life…. Disciples? What. Rarely has it crossed my mind that I am being sent over seas to the nations to share the GOSPEL… The freaking Gospel. Not just any ole’ message. I’m going to make disciples, and to share my story of how the love and grace of Jesus Christ has changed my life forever. I’m not going for freedom, adventure, and fun.
As my conviction began to consume me, I heard theres no fear in love. As I started to think how much I’m going to suffer for this, I heard suffering produces endurance, hope and character. I was swimming in God’s grace, I couldn’t escape it.
So last Monday as I shared with my pastor where my heart has been he encouraged me to pray and fast. To pray for confidence in where the Lord is taking me, to pray for heart change, and to just pray that He would reveal to me if I am to go or not.
By 10:30am I had decided I was no longer going on the World Race. I emailed my mobilizer and told her. I told my mom, pastor, and close friends. And then I just sat in my bed thinking what on earth am I going to do now? I dropped out of college, I have no job, I am $11,000 funded, and I already bought all of my gear. I knew my decision not to go was wrong. I spent hours praying and reading that day. A couple hours later I started reading in Galatians and praying the fruits of the spirit over my life. I came across faithfulness and thought I’m not sure I even understand what faithfulness truly means. I looked in the footnotes of my bible and it said,
“Faithfulness is another divine characteristic. It means following through with what one says one will do.”
And there was my answer. Written in the clouds, straight from the Word of God. I am going on the World Race. It is my JOY to bring the name of Jesus to the ends of the earth, to make disciples, to share the gospel, to love the unlovable.
Y’all Jesus is SO incredibly faithful to us, even in our most distant of times. I can’t tell you the peace I feel in my heart. The joy I feel in my bones. Theres no fear in love. There is freedom, adventure and fun in following the Lord.
