As I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks, blurring the screen, I’m pleading for prayers. This past week I have been hit with this intense fear.
Fear that I won’t portray Jesus to the people I encounter while on the race.
Fear everyone back home will forget about me. (FOMO)
Fear that I won’t raise enough money to even be able to go.
Fear I will be so miserable in my sadness that I will forget that this whole opportunity is a gift from the Lord.
Fear I will be so wrapped up in myself that I will forget that my purpose is to love God and to love people, here at home and then on the race.
Fear that I won’t be ‘good enough’, ‘equipped enough’, ‘capable enough’, to do what Jesus has led me to do.
Fear that my insecurities and emotions will literally eat me alive.
This is quite honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Well, one of the hardest things I’ve ever committed to doing considering I haven’t even left yet. I’m battling the constant thought of, “Is there something wrong with me for feeling this much sadness?”
Some days are harder than others. The days where I feel as if people no longer care how I am actually doing. They just see a girl going on the World Race, and they forget that I’m still me. I’m still Sydney. My identity is not the World Race. Some days I’ve been told “You live the most blessed life, you’re going on the World Race, how could you not be excited?” Feeling so condemned for feeling any other emotion than joy. Some days I just sit and weep, whispering Jesus’ name over and over again.
These are real feelings.
These are real thoughts.
I’m struggling. And I need you guys to pray for me.
I have six months left in America. I want to make the most of them. But I cannot embrace every moment if I am gripped with this crippling fear.
Jesus never promised me comfort in this, He never promised a tear free journey. But He has promised me as it says in Psalm 30:11, “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy.” He has promised to turn this mourning into J O Y. And I ask that you pray with me. That I would experience life and life more abundantly. Joy unspeakable.
I’m so thankful for a Father that has extended grace and love when I’ve pointed my finger at Him multiple times thus far. Asking why He has caused my heart so much pain. I’m thankful He knows the DEPTHS of my heart, and loves me all the same. I’m thankful He’s brought me to a place where nothing else is more satisfying than Him. I’m thankful for the tears, the many tears that have stained my pillow case over the past couple of months. I’m thankful for moments where I feel a rushing peace. I’m thankful His word is true, and His promises are unfailing.
