I think I’ve been avoiding this for awhile. It seems easy to tell people everything going on in your life, but when it come down to it this year is far too hard to completely form into words that are eloquent but still fulfill the entirety of what has happened. It has led to avoidance rather than trying, but here is the best shot I can give of what is going on in my life, where my heart is and what is maybe next.
8 months ago I left believing I was going to find a job on this adventure that would last the rest of my life, provide my needs, etc. Now as I am 8 months in to this seemingly crazy adventure I have realized that I have found something that is arguably far more fulfilling than a job. Identity and community from what I’m concerned will be there the rest of my life.
This journey has been interesting. Some day I question if anything has changed and some days I don’t even recognize the girl that got off the plane in India. Most days it’s the latter though and I can’t recall the way she would think or act. Some days it feels like an identity crisis, but even in those days I know how worth it this all is. No matter how hard a day is there is a lesson to be learned or a thing that is triumphed over. I don’t really know how to put the new me into words. I don’t quite know the fullness of this identity yet and I think no matter how hard I try words will lack describing it fully.
Over the past couple month The Father and I have been really pressing into that whole identity issue. When all is stripped away who am I? Who do I believe the Lord to be? Who am I going to be when shit hits the fan? Etc. With that a lot has been happening. Identity, adoption, stripping away of the “church life” and boiling it all down into what a relationship with God means to me without all the churchy politics, walking through my life up until this point, identifying where boundaries lack and where trends of sin and lies have been shackles around my feet. The list could go on, but I think you’ve got the gist.
Needless to say it’s a lot. It’s a lot to think about and it is even more when I know there is so much more to come in the next 3 months.
I don’t know where I’ll be in three months, but I can only hope and imagine it’s far greater than here. I pray that this ceiling becomes the floor for the ceiling to come in 3 months. I don’t know what I’m going to be doing when I get home. I don’t know what job I will be working or where I will be living. I honestly haven’t prayed much into it. There are things I want when I get home, but no firm, sure thing. Community, mentorship, discipleship, learning and growing in who I am and who I want to be. I don’t know what the Lord will reveal to me in the remaining months here. For all I know something can shift my thinking completely upside down. As for now I am content with the place I am at. Taking it one day at a time. Peeling back another lie and replacing it with a truth.
This journey we are on, the one we are all on. This journey we call life is crazy. It’s painful and exciting. It’s daunting and breezy. It’s laughter and sadness. It’s a journey. One that’s so worth living no matter how hard a day gets. There is a Father that fulfills and redeems even the darkest of days that make it seemingly small when you stand on the other side.
Keep pressing in. The other side is worth it no matter how hard it can be some days.
