“Hey, can you meet at the lodge at 3pm?”
Cryptic people these AIM Staffers… Well, I’ve made it 6 days into training camp. They have finally realized that I’m not the one they want. Insecurity creeping in.
3 o’clock came around and I was standing at the front door of the lodge wondering why the heck they wanted me. A few other people has gathered with me. “Oh praise Him,” I thought, “I don’t have to be here alone!” The AIM staff sat us down, gave us a sheet of paper with a scenario on it, and said figure it out… again with the whole cryptic thing.
Everyone started talking at once and automatically I stopped. Overwhelmed. I sat for a second and tuned everything out that I could. Finally my brain began to click itself into problem solving mode. Eventually we figured out our plan.
The next day came and another cryptic “Hey can you be here at this time.” Uhhh, sure? We walked in and they placed a piece of paper with a bunch of words that couldn’t translate in my already overwhelmed mind. “We want you to do the logistics for your squad!” I sat there trying to digest what that even entailed. “These people are crazy,” I thought, “I don’t do that nor do I do the whole talking in front of people thing.” But instead I said yes and that yes was one of the greatest journeys for me on the race.
Logistics started out rough. There were a lot of comments and a lot of correction. It lead to a lot of me seeing myself as what I was not and everything I did as wrong. I didn’t see it as an opportunity to use those words to be transformative. I let myself become bitter about it all. I was pretty much over logistics and the race by the time we reached month three.
By month five, after many sessions of my team continually trying to talk me off cliff after cliff, I was over it more. I had turned bitter towards people on the squad and bitter towards logistics in general. During this time we were having to plan a LDW (leadership development weekend) in Malaysia and transportation once we arrived in Africa. Despite my efforts nothing was working in my logistic’s partner or I’s favor. Done. I didn’t want to handle it anymore. I had been carrying a giant load for five months. The weight was crushing and crippling me. Crippling me from relationships, ministry, myself, and the Lord. Nothing was working and despite how hard I tried to hold the whole weight of logistics on my shoulders it was slipping.
The weight fell off during that LDW. I learned two lessons during those 3 days. surrender and trust. In a puddle of tears and mascara running down my face the Lord broke through the massive walls I had put up around logistics. The places I felt were far to frivolous of a job for the Lord in my mind. The places He didn’t need to worry about because I had it are the very places His presence overwhelmed in those days.
“Surrender it all and trust in Me,” He said.
Stifled sobs and the weight of it all, I was laying it all down at His feet and banking on His faithfulness. He redeems all things. The bitterness fell like chains to the ground. The weights that sat heavily on my shoulders shattered. His love and truth flooded in. The God of provision provided again.
I walked away from those three days and the days that followed of travel with a limp. A limp that was and is a continuous reminder of what I tried to do and what the Lord actually did. That limp still defines every day life and everything that went into planning logistics on the race. That limp is my testimony. It is my reminder of the Lord who provides, loves, carries, fulfills, and redeems ALL things.
Those words that once tasted so vile in the beginning are now the words that are redeemed. They are the words that pushed me to this journey with the Lord, carry the reminder of Him in a limp, and kindle a passion that dwells deep within.
In a little less than a week I will be moving to Gainesville, Georgia where I will be working at AIM (Adventures In Missions) to work as a Regional Logistics Representative. The limp will continue to be my testimony each day to surrender it all to the Lord and trust in Him.
Stay tuned for a blog to come about what a Regional Logistics Rep looks like and what that means for me and the seasons to come!!
