I probably shouldn’t be your contractor.
I’ve built a lot of walls in my life. Too many to count. Some have already cracked under the pressure of life and some are slowly filling with cracks that compromise the soundness of the structure. I probably shouldn’t be your contractor. My average of success isn’t successful by any means. My walls are faulty.
Now obviously I’m not talking about walls that can be seen by the naked eye, but walls that you find when you try and fail to make it into the innermost part of my heart. These walls are the ones keeping me from the fullness of life, from living a wholehearted life.
There have been several walls that have started to grow cracks in. The soundness of the structure is being compromised. It’s only a matter of time before they shatter under the pressure of life.
Wall number one, or as I like to refer to it as “serving to hide”:
This wall has recently come to my attention. A wall I built up to hide from being seen. I love to serve people. I love to help where help is needed and help just because. I am capable of serving in a healthy manner, but then there are the times when I take it too far. I serve so I can’t be served. I serve so much that there isn’t a chance for someone to come under me and serve me where I need it. Serve to hide the brokenness that fills my bones. I want to serve so I don’t have to deal with my own crap. I want to help people out of their pain and struggles but I’m not usually willing to let you into that part of my heart.
Wall number two: “self numbing”
I have become really good at acting like things that should hurt me don’t actually hurt me. I’ve gotten so good at it that I don’t even have to make an effort to do it. It’s so engrained in my being that not much actually shakes me, I don’t feel much pain. I’m numb. I don’t feel hurt or loss where those things should be. That really sucks when you are asking The Father to break your heart for what breaks His and you realize… “How can my heart break when it doesn’t really even feel pain?” A disheartening truth and a crack added to this once ‘firm’ wall.
And wall number three: “being Me means failing those who need ‘me'”
This lovely wall is one the Lord brought to my attention this past week. It connects itself to the “serving to hide” wall. The ‘me’ I was before The Race was not the Me who’s wall is cracking now. Me, my identity was placed in how well I was holding everything and everyone together. If I didn’t show my flawed, broken self I wouldn’t fail anyone. If I did what I felt like I was called to do I had to make sure all my ducks were in a row and everyone would survive without me so that I didn’t fail them. They “needed” me. Broken, faulty, lacking me. My mind said that everyone would crumble if I wasn’t there to pick up the pieces, to serve, to mend, to be their god. My identity was built in how they were doing rather than the identity Christ has called me.
Not pretty. Not freshly painted. Not enticing. These walls should defer any given person. These walls are a huge do not enter. Behind these walls screams a little girl who is grasping for someone to crumble through them. The insides that scream not worthy, probably shouldn’t love me, I’m broken and flawed so I’m not enough. The insides are enticing to One though. The only One who can really see past the walls built high to deter people from seeing the innermost brokenness that lies raw and pained.
I’m broken. I’ve spent a lot of my life hiding without even realizing it. I didn’t want anyone to see my broken pieces, including The Father. I wanted to be the face of having it all together so I could be who people needed me to be. I now see how much I was doing them a disservice. I have ran and hid for a long time, but now I have come to a place where I realized I’ve been seen. The Father saw past those walls a long time ago. He saw the broken and said “whenever your ready I’m here to fight for you, to destroy your walls and build you a new firm and lasting foundation, to build you an identity that cannot be shaken.”
I’m ready. I’m over running and hiding. It’s left me exhausted and with nothing to show of it. It’s kept me long enough from the fullness of what He has in store for me. I’m ready to take down the walls, uproot the foundations that made them become what they are today, to let Him fight and comfort me in the pain and brokenness, and let Him rebuild my foundation and identity.
We have a lot of work to do. These weren’t built in a day, but He is so much bigger than these. He is calling me into bigger, so there needs to be space to grow. I’m resting in the comfort of His arms and pressing into the comfort of those He hand picked to walk along side me through this.
I really shouldn’t be your contractor, but He should.
