Kenya has treated me well so far {minus all of the illness}, but I’d say my heart could use a pep-talk on such matters.
It’s never easy to surrender our hearts, desires, and thoughts to God. I think of every scenario that has happened so far. Then I over-think it, get excited all over again, get heart-broken all over again, and then meticulously plan how it could’ve turned out differently. I’m a story-writer, you see.
I’m one of those types who lays things at the foot of the Cross, and then runs valiantly to go pick them back up saying, “Sorry, God….didn’t mean to put that one there.” All the while, I can almost feel Him shaking his head the way any good Father does, thinking, “Child, would you just leave it alone already?”
In these strange, deep pains and matters of the heart I’ve picked up along the way in life, I’m learning that in our free will, we can either cling to these things for dear life, or we can choose to let go.
Letting go is some type of secret art-form, and only Ninja Christians have gotten really good at it, I think.
Lately, this is what I’m learning about letting go:
He was holding all the pain of the world.”
{Adapted from “The Art of Letting Go”, by Shirin McArthur, given to me by my dear Aunt Wynnie.}
Jesus welcomed all of our pain and crap.
He said “I’ll hold onto it, so you don’t have to. Instead, you can just let go.”
That’s the Truth.
So why does it rarely ever seem that easy?
As founder Seth Barnes, of Adventures in Missions puts it,
Um…yeah. Tell me about it, Seth.
Some days I feel as though things have been severed forever, and other days, I feel as though God is blessing certain decisions and people in my life, saying, “Daughter, you can choose. It’s all good.”
I was recently having a deep conversation with a very good friend of mine over some samosas and chips. I was so overwhelmed by my thoughts, and what I should say and shouldn’t say in response to some of the questions being thrown out, that I had to excuse myself. I went into the public bathroom where I stood in front of the mirror, looking at my crazy hair, thinking, breathing, splashing water on my face, rubbing the dark circles from beneath my eyes. I looked tired and a defeated. I wanted God to give me all the right answers.
It was then that I heard a voice from the man standing next to me, drying his hands. I glanced at him through the mirror in my confusion. He was middle-aged, dressed well—like a business man—and had a grin on his face. I struggled to make out what he was saying through his thick Kenyan accent, so I turned to face him. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” He repeated himself, “You, dear, are very smart. You’re wise, but I can tell you’re struggling and striving. Whatever situation you’re in right now is difficult, but it will not last forever. You already know what to do.”
I put my hand on my hip, and I think my jaw dropped as tears filled my eyes. Who was this complete stranger who had stepped into my life in a single moment in the middle of Africa, in a bathroom, of all places, and just spoken such truth and life? I swear he was an angel, or maybe God himself, much like in the movie Bruce Almighty, where God (Morgan Freeman) keeps appearing to Bruce (Jim Carrey) out of nowhere, giving him the exact answers he needs.
And just as quickly as he’d entered my life, he turned to walk out, putting his hands up in the air, almost in defense, remarking, “I just came here to eat…”, all-the-while the grin never leaving his face.
I stood there for a few moments, trying to feel the immense gravity of what had just happened. My stoic look of confusion remained as I contemplated. What did his words mean?
One of my favorite authors and theologians, puts it like this:
He can bear them all the way, and carry them into the depths of the sea.”
{Charles Spurgeon}
I've been praying God would let me see angels this month, and He did. Apparently they don't all have wings and feathers, and they don't all wear halos. Scripture tells us "some will entertain angels without even knowing it." {Hebrews 13:2} So, I’m still trying to figure out what my bathroom angel meant by what he said. In the same breath, I’ve stopped trying to over-analyze, and just rest in it. In my resting, I’ve realized one thing:
While I’m a story-writer, I couldn’t have written a better story for myself than what God has over this past year, both on and off the field. He met me in the bathroom that day and told me I get a say in the matters of my life, and I get to choose some things and they’ll be good because He Himself is blessing them. Because of that, I can stop worrying and over-thinking, and just let go.
P.S.-we get one more month in Kenya, because Uganda just couldn't handle us! (& had too much Ebola…)
P.P.S.-my Kelly King (6th teammate) comes back to us today from the USA!
