Do you ever find yourself there? In that moment? Come on, you know that most of you have, you just won't admit it to anyone. Where you're making up a whole scenario in your head. Even putting together a play by play. How the conversation will go. How the day or night will go. This made-up, non-existent, idealization of something… that never happens.
You build it up in your mind, only to live in the reality instead. A little disappointed. This is where I've been. The land of fiction of my mind. Creating scenarios that never pan out. Words that might be said. Things that might happen. And at the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow, none of them actually happened. But my reality did. We've all heard that sometimes fiction is better than reality… is this true?
I've lived in the in between for a little while now… living reality but thinking of fiction. And to my own disgrace, I have neglected responsibilities of my real life. (You know, the one I'm actually living with my body on this earth instead of only in my mind.) I am boarding a plane tomorrow to Gainsville, GA to meet the squad that I've been given the responsibility and honor to lead and disciple through the crazy thing that is “The World Race”. I used to be super diligent in praying for them and about this season. But as I've gotten lost in Crazy-land, I've neglected praying for Reality-ville. Praying for the ones who are in seasons of great pain as I was when I went to training camp back in October, 2011. Praying that although they would know the race is not a fix for their problems and hurting, it is an incredible season that God will use to mend and heal their hearts. Praying that I may have quick connections with the racers entrusted to me next week. Praying for wisdom as I speak to them. Praying that instead of trying to be Superwoman and fake every spiritual gift in God's word, that I would be real and live out the gifts that I do have… and that they would be enough.
So the past few days, in my Crazy/Fantasy/America-loving-land, I have been convicted. To guard my heart. Against an enemy who tries to pull me from my calling by replacing passion with complacency. Against my own head. My thoughts are not always centered on Jesus. Sometimes they're centered on (take a deep breath before you read on)… me. On what I want. On the life that I don't have that I sometimes wish I did. On the way that things could be, might be, if I wasn't called to be a missionary-ish person. And in this conviction, I can tell you that these past few days have been good. Focused. As I sang the words “I surrender all” yesterday at church, I struggled to hold back a few tears. I used to sing these words in terms of general things. Pride. Wants and pleasures. Desires. Through different seasons, I surrendered some friendships. Money. Now, I surrender… the ideal. The American dream. My job. Income. Certainty of any kind. Many of the things I want… b/c I want to trade them up for something that God wants.
Don't get me wrong, I have good days and bad days. Most of you never hear the thoughts running through my head that I don't want to go. I don't want to leave again. The fun times I've been having and the people I've been enjoying that I'll miss. How on one hand I'm scared to find out that I might be called out of America for the rest of my life. And on the other hand how I'm scared that I'll be called back to America… for the rest of my life. When fantasy land dies down and reality takes over, I am reminded of one thing… I can trust God. Two things I know… 1) He's never done me wrong. (I think yesterday I worded it to someone as “He's never screwed me over” but didn't know how everyone reading my blog would take that so I didn't want to word it that way again. You're welcome) And 2) I can trust in His promises. (I know more than these, but for emphasis I only put these two.) And when I live in reality, it's so good. It's real. It's tangible. And it's my truth. A gift from God. Hardships in place to grow me and sanctify me. People in my life to enjoy. So while I struggle to not live in the fantasy, I am reminded that in the end I'd rather give up my fantasy-land and live in my reality, whatever it is, because it's real. And God is there.
