Fear of her own voice. A bondage invisible to the naked eye. Fear of opening her mouth and letting her opinions and thoughts be expressed. Captive to chains. Her shaking body, emotionless eyes, and fear of speaking in front of even her small team of friends told the story that she couldn’t put words to. No, I’m not talking about a local I met overseas. I’m talking about a girl on Q Squad that I was with and led for 5 months. I’m talking about a racer. I’m talking about Erika Peiffer (you should check her blog out).
Since training camp, she’s wrestled with a bondage of fear. Literally struggling for minutes, hours, days, to even open up her mouth and speak when she knew the expectation was coming and people were waiting for her to speak. One on one and in the flow of the day and a conversation, she could muster the courage up. But in a room of 2 or more people, even her team, she was paralyzed. Shaking. And that turned to tears. As I was with Erika’s team for a few weeks in South Africa in October and witnessed her paralyzing fear, I asked God to give me instruction on how to handle her struggle. He told me in the moment, just to pray. It wasn’t physical. It’s not mental. It’s not her. I saw clearly what oppression of spiritual warfare can do, even to a believer. Not possess, but oppress. She literally did not have the power to open her mouth and get words out. A relaxed environment that required her participation and an open floor to offer her wisdom to others… she was paralyzed with fear. And as the other 4 girls she’d been on a team with for the last 3 months prodded her with questions, I prayed. Silent, yet authoritative. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t know what else to do. So I took action against the enemy.
The next day I asked if we could hang out and talk, one on one. As always, she was excited about the prospect of talking and knew that it would be beneficial. After I spent the morning seeking God’s wisdom and specific words that He wanted me to give to her, we got to the point. “Tell me what happened yesterday.” And it all unraveled. Crippling fear. Bondage. Chains. For years. I asked her to close her eyes as I read Ephesians 6:10-18 aloud then asked what she saw as I read about a believer wearing the armor of God. She pictured herself in armor, but with a chain around her ankle. She picked up her sword and cut it off, link by link… and she was free. I read it again. She pictured it again with more detail. Envisioning herself free. She talked about how Christ did not come to set her free just for her to live in shackles.
We talked about the power that her observations and wisdom in what she sees in others’ lives has. How she actually has things to say that will call others up to be more like Christ. Which is what they want and they’re asking for. But her fear, her chains, were keeping her from speaking out all God spoke to her. We prayed. We cried. We focused on the hope that God’s giving her. We prayed against attacks of the evil one that would want to keep her mouth shut and not build up the body. So often the enemy would love to attack where our power is growing. If he could, he would love to attack our identity. As a son. As a daughter. As a person of power when the Holy Spirit resides in us. As a voice that matters.
That night, Erika was to speak before the men and women of Camp Joy, a 6 week in-patient drug rehabilitation facility that we worked at that month. This from the girl who the week before bowed out of playing guitar for worship for them because of fear… so I had taken the reigns and led worship. She knew her time would come, but not that particular night. It couldn’t be forced. But this night, she was speaking. And for the first time, she felt she might not be overtaken by fear. She was hopeful.
I didn’t go to Camp Joy that night because I was feeling ill so I missed Erika’s speaking, but I prayed the whole time. After coming back she quickly came to my room, jumped on my bed to sit with me, and wore the biggest smile I’ve possible ever seen. “I did it! I spoke to them. Stood in front. Said all the words God gave me. I didn’t shake. I didn’t stop. I didn’t cry. I was scared but I DID IT!” Then came the words I’ll never forget… “Is that what I’ve been missing all my life?”
She was a different woman. She was slowly walking in freedom. Link by link, the chain was being broken off. But it took someone to believe in her. Someone to pray in the spiritual realm that others weren’t seeing. Someone to speak life, confidence, power, identity and truth into her. She was becoming a different woman. A better woman. Since then, she has spoken our more often. She has played guitar to lead worship in India. And she is using her voice.
What did I do as a squad leader on Q Squad?. THIS is what I did. I don’t always know how to explain what I did as a squad leader without using World Race jargon that the average person may not relate to. But I know how to tell this story. Because I was there. And by the grace of God, He used me in Erika’s life. I am humbly thankful every day that He’s blessed me and used me in this way.
With that being said, I must raise $1,000 still in the next few days in order to return to Q squad at the end of February for debrief. To invest further in their health and growth as men and women of God and as missionaries. I ask you to please consider financially supporting me as the deadline approaches so that I may get back out to them and see Erika in action… worshiping, speaking, and using her voice.
