Excitement. Disappointment. Feelings. Many feelings.
A few months ago I announced so excitedly that I would be returning to China. Many people responded with joy and sharing in my jubilation. Some with worries and simply cautions. Over the last few months, I've come to learn that even the people who never responded to my announcement still read it, knew and cared. My mind was getting ready and I was growing in my love for the country as a whole… right where God needed me to be to be best used there. Then… the change up.
I recieved an email from Adventures in Missions a few months ago asking if I would consider leading a new squad of racers as they set out on a July route. My former squad leader had recommended me. I quickly closed the email and said "no" in my heart. Case closed. I was going to China. A few minutes later I set out for a run, as is customary in my American life which I have no doubt enjoyed these last few months. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head: "At least pray about it." "Why not?" Then came the honest critiques of my immediate decision: "What if this is what God wants? Designed? Is offering? What do I have to offer to the racers? How will I grow to be more prepared for China? Why me? (And not in a negative voice, but inquisitive, honestly, "Why me?") So for the next week, I prayed. I listened. And I felt emotions about forgoing China, where I emotionally already was. I grieved what could have been. And thought about the kids I'd be missing even longer. Postponing going until probably January 2014.
I decided to fill out all the application paperwork and go through the interview process and whatever AIM decided, whether to make it an official offer to me or not, I would go with their decision. I trusted God to open or close that door. Either way I was leaving in July. But where would God move me… to lead a new squad of racers for their first 5 months through their first 5 countries as a disciple, mentor, leader, organizer, conflict manager, helper, and servant… or to China as planned. I didn't know. Did I trust God to lead me in the right direction? Yes. Did I trust His guidance? Open doors? Wisdom? Plan? Yes. So after weeks of (usually) patiently waiting, I can say with certainty that my first plan of action in July is to lead a squad of about 50 new World Racers as they traverse through the mysterious thing called "The World Race". I am stoked. Pumped. Let's get this show on the road. I don't know them yet, but I want to. I've never met any of them yet, but I'm already praying for them. At this stage, they are buying their gear, addicted to reading blogs of past and present racers, nervously anticipating their lives changing. I know how they feel because I was this girl. Many of them have either recently graduated college or are probably graduating next month. They're looking forward to this new season of life. But this blog is not about them. It's about me.
Since I signed on the proverbial dotted line this past week, I have been feeling more and more inadequate to do this. The World Race is not just about being a missionary, it's about being a follower of Jesus through all of the storms and gales, good times and bad times of life. In seasons of clarity and fog. Livng in tight community when you do and do not want to. Never giving up. Digging deeper into the only constant thing that you have in your life through the entire 11 months… God. Can I partner with 1 or 2 other people (oh, geez, I have to get along and work side-by-side with them as well!) and lead these 50? No. Not alone. But I am reminded that it's not me. It's Him. He chose me. He recommended me. He appointed me. He called me. He changed my plans. He put a new desire in my heart. He will do the work through me as I do the work with Him. He's used me to lead people in the past. Love discipleship. And has given me leaders to follow behind.
I might even be more nervous about this than going to China at this point. But here I go. I don't know the countries I'll be leading them through yet. I don't know the exact date I leave or return home. But I do know that I'm going and that God is bringing up my weaknesses to me so that He can work in me to turn them into strengths. (And boy, I have a list of them.) I'm looking forward to the next leg of the journey, whatever it may bring.
When I was a little girl I had a bookmark given to me by a friend across the street. It said "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow." Even as an adult, I remember that. And I hold fast to that truth. So let's get this show on the road!
