This is a journey and there is always something to learn and grow in. Here are some of the things I have been growing in. May you be encouraged…
Do you trust God? That is a question I asked myself again recently. I felt like the answer is an easy “yes” but then meditated on it a bit more. There are many areas of my life in which I have complete trust in God, but that is not so firm across the board. If it were then I would be living much differently than I have been for quite a while. Six and a half years ago when I lost my brother, Vince, to a horrbile, yet completely avoidable, accident I found my mind trusted God but my heart didn’t. I feel like I wasted a few years trying to deal on my own and didn’t really start to come out of it until I cried out to God and meant it. He brought me to a place of hope and healing in my brokeness.. though I am not done become who I am meant to be so these years later more brokeness comes…
So now I am on this journey and am trusting God more than I ever have before. Though when I asked myself if I was trusting God completely I couldn’t say “yes” with as much confidence after reflection. I take comfort in the fact that God is gracious and will not stop being faithful no matter what I happen to be feeling or dealing with. He has never left me and never will! That I can trust in for sure.. since I have been with Him for 21 years I know that God doesn’t change, yet I change for the better in response to Him!
For those who know me, especially those who have lived with me, are aware that I process out loud. Most just call that “talking to yourself”. Being on a team and living together 24/7 is not like anything I have ever done before. Some people in my life haven’t been bothered by my processing but I know it would become too much for anyone if they were with me almost all the time. So, it is not something my team is fond of to say the least. That is completely understandable and so I have been working on it. It is exhausting to focus on most of the time where in “normal” life I had breaks when I was in my own space… we have no space here to call our own. This has been causing me to do some soul searching into who I am. I had to ask; Did I learn this or is it who I am? I realized that when I am truly processing something it is who I am, yet when I am just saying thoughts out loud that was learned. Trying to improve upon something that you have done for over 30 years is hard and requires God’s help for sure. There are many things I am working on this year along with this. I am trying to learn how to take my thoughts captive, for I am not rejected and not a victim, even though my mind still goes there sometimes. All of this has made me somewhat confused about who I am anymore and that is where I am having a hard time trusting God. I know it is all for the better but how do I operate in the meantime while interacting and living with so many people that I haven’t known for long?
Again, anyone who knows me well is probably aware that these are things I have needed to work on for a long time. God is the same and loves me the same and that is where my comfort lies in all of this. The craziest thing is He is willing to use me, as long as I am available, even when I am not sure of who I am. His word tells me I am a daughter of God, I am a saint, I am an ambassordor for Christ, I am a temple of the living God, I am a co-heir to the Kingdom of God, I am a part of Christ’s bride…. these remain true even when I don’t feel it or see it in me because God always sees it in my through the blood of Christ! How amazing is that?!!! I am trying to operate more in these things yet am still learning how, therefore I still have a hard time with some things (like my thoughs…especially mumbling them to myself). It also helps that I am reading my bible more than I ever have in my life and so being reminded of who I am more an more. It also helps me put into perspective how small all this is in the grand scheme of things.
Good things I have come across in me… I am growing in my gift of prophesy and know that I have only scatched the surfice, a part of my hearts desire is to set captives free in all realms, and God has shown me that the enemy loves to attack marriages and so He has put a fire in me to see them protected… even though He has not yet brought me my own husband. I am content to go whereever God calls me to go and at peace even though I have no idea where or when that will be.
I apologize there are no photos or things to jazz this up, I hope this time my heart on the page was enough to keep you reading. Thank you for giving me this time and support. May you be encouraged that all the things true of me are true of you if you know the Lord, and if you don’t than it is available to all who call upon Him. Ask God to speak to you, to give you visions and dreams, to protect you, and you will hear from Him as long as you mean it. I pray God uses you where you are as I ask Him to use me wherever I am for all the days of my life. Have a wonderful week. God bless you.
