Hello friends!
How are you? It’s month 8 for me and I’m tired.
I don’t always feel like I can talk about how tired I am, or express how some aspects of this trip are negative and make me feel awful; that 9 out of 10 times I’m emotionally, mentally, physically, exhausted. I don’t want to focus on the negative stuff.
But sometimes, I don’t want to look at this season and say something positive; sometimes I want to look at this season and say ‘this sucks’ instead.
Look. I don’t want to complain (even though I do love complaining), but I do want to be honest about how I’m doing and I haven’t written a blog in a hot minute because:
I’m tired.
Seriously, honestly, vulnerably, tired.
I have a love/hate relationship with the season I’m in right now, and I’m tired of the hate part.
I’m tired of long ministry days that leave me bone-numbly exhausted.
I’m tired of feeling tense and anxious because of certain team dynamics.
I’m tired of constantly saying goodbye to new places and people I come to love.
I’m tired of praying the same prayers and waiting on the same promises I was in January.
I’m tired of feeling like I lost friendships.
I’m tired of being told to write blogs.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m missing out on things in my loved one’s lives. The hard things, the joyful things, the just every-day things.
I’m tired of fasting.
I’m tired of feeling like I have a half-empty love tank.
I’m tired of wearing a mask to protect myself and the people we minister to.
I’m tired of feeling frustrated about other people not taking wearing their masks seriously.
I’m tired of the flakiness of plans.
I’m tired of having the same struggles with masturbation and not feeling like it’s getting better.
I’m tired of feeling inadequate as a first-time racer.
I’m tired of feeling like my boundaries are not always respected.
I’m tired of not worshiping with other believers.
I’m tired of people calling World Race America not the “real” World Race and diminishing my route because it’s not the international route they chose.
I’m tired of feeling alone.
I’m tired of this season where it feels like the Lord has me grieve so many things.
I’m tired of crying. (into my pillow, my hands, my shirt. Honestly everything has snot on it probably)
I’m tired of many other things that I won’t list here.
I’m tired and I want to go to bed.
But honestly? Maybe I’m not tired of all these things. Maybe I’m just missing.
While we were in Buffalo, I got to see family and friends who drove in (some many hours, and some just a couple minutes). I had time to watch my church’s online service for the first time in a hot minute. My team and I took a day trip to Rochester. I loved all of it. While we were in Minneapolis, I got to see some more of my siblings. I loved all of that too.
So maybe there is one more thing I’m tired of.
I’m tired of missing.
I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I miss my dog.
I miss my church.
I miss Rochester.
I miss home.
But maybe, more than all those things, more than missing, I’m just tired of being tired.
There are so many reasons I’m tired and just want to crawl under the covers and not come out. So many reasons to just curl up and cry.
But.
But in Buffalo, I was on prayer team for one of our ministries, and I offered free Panera Bread donations and free prayer to participants. I asked one woman if there was anything she wanted prayer, and she stopped, looked at me, started crying, and said “Yes, actually I would.” She talked to me about a very painful and difficult season she and her family were in, and I prayed with her.
And I’m not tired of that.
I’m not tired of praying over people.
While we were in Minneapolis, we had the opportunity to work with an organization called Feed My Starving Children, and we package over 2,000 meal packs for children in Haiti, Nicaragua, Yemen, and the Philippines (possibly different locations because of Covid).
And I’m not tired of that.
I’m not tired of serving the nations from here.
We’ve been in Wisconsin less than a week. We served at a food pantry that (since Covid hit) has been providing groceries to over 300 families in their area (everything is save serve and limited contact, don’t worry). Our ministry partner shared about the Lord’s provision for them in this season; like real loaves and fishes stuff (seriously. Like only having enough groceries to provide for 280 families and serving over 300??? WILD).
And I’m not tired of that.
I’m not tired of being the hands and feet in local communities.
In the last 8 months, I’ve heard so many testimonies (and been a part of some) of people finding salvation for the first time, or finding it again. I’ve heard so many stories of His faithfulness in fulfilling promises, and honoring obedience with the ministries we’ve worked with. This past week in Wisconsin is not the first time we’ve witnessed a loaves and fishes kinda miracle.
And I’m not tired of that.
I’m not tired of watching the Lord work.
In spite of Covid, in spite of politics, in spite of everything else going on with me personally, in spite of being tired all the time, He’s still teaching me things. I’ve seen Him providing financially, for my basic needs, and giving little extra things to show He loves us. When I want to give up, He provides overflows of peace when I shouldn’t be feeling peace at all. I have grieved so many things and cried over a hundred others and He has been so so good to me in this season when everything is so so hard.
And I’m not tired of that.
I’m not tired of His goodness.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m still tired mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally sometimes; especially after 10-hour ministry days. Sometimes I just feel drained because of spiritual attacks or just heaviness. I still feel like Bilbo Baggins when he said “I feel like butter scraped over too much bread.”
But.
“The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:28b-31
I have complete confidence that this is the season the Lord has called me too. And I have complete confidence in His faithfulness to me throughout it. I am also completely confident that I need a nap, so catch y’all on the flippity flip.
Let’s see revival together! (After my nap-nap)
