There is a small chalkboard next to the floral recliner in my bedroom. It sits, crooked, on top of a small table that I made myself—it’s crooked, too, I’m not much of a handy-woman—next to a stack of books and my Bible. There are a few words on it, a verse that struck me a few months ago from John 21. In it, Jesus is speaking to Peter, the disciple who denied him three times only days before, and he asks him:
“Do you love me?”
Now, Jesus is Jesus, the Son of God capable of calming storms and giving sight to the blind and, at this point, rising from the dead, so for Peter to answer anything other than “Yes” would be completely and utterly incomprehensible. Which means, when he responds with
“Yes, Lord, you know I love you,”
it’s kind of like…duh.
But then Jesus asks him again.
“Peter, do you love me?”
And, still, Peter responds in the same way. “Yes, Lord, you know I love you.”
And a third time.
Still, everything stays the same. Jesus asks, Peter answers. When I first read this passage, it seemed that Jesus was just trying to make a point, that He was just reminding Peter of his insistent denial. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I am Peter.
I spent a lot of my life denying Jesus. Not in the way Peter did, not outright and completely but in subtle ways. I denied Jesus in the way I spoke, the way I treated other people, and how I walked through life as if He only existed on Sunday mornings. It wasn’t until after I denied Him for so long that I realized how deeply and completely I needed Him, that He was responsible for all of my joy. I began to live for Jesus, rather than for myself, and I saw the changes that began to take root in my life, the love I had that stemmed from His love for me. And, at about the same time, He began asking me:
Susan, do you love me?
No, I didn’t actually hear the voice of God. Believe me, if I had, I definitely wouldn’t have started this blog talking about my chalkboard. But God was prompting me, putting things in my path that indicated His asking. I prayed and journal-ed and wondered what He was doing.
Turns out, He was asking me to trust Him. He was asking me to give up a part of myself that had defined me for so long, so that I could begin defining myself by my faith. He was asking me to quit travel softball.
Susan, do you love me?
This was the first time He asked. The first time I had to leap out in faith and trust. And, I did; I responded like Peter.
Yes, Lord.
For months after that I wondered what the point was, why God had asked me to trust Him when nothing else seemed to be happening. Sure, I wasn’t the softball girl anymore. I was becoming the Jesus girl. But, it still seemed like there was something missing.
Then, I saw a simple Instagram post (thanks, Ben) about a nine-month long mission trip for 18-20 year-olds. It was intriguing, and I immediately began to look into it. For days I read blogs and watched videos and researched, and as I did, God began asking again.
Susan, do you love me?
This was the second time He’d asked. And it was much more intimidating. This answer, this “Yes, Lord,” meant asking my parents and taking their criticism (and their silence) as I prayed over their hearts. It meant making plans in fear that they would never happen. It meant googling countries that I might not ever be able to go to. It meant waiting. Lots and lots of waiting.
It was in the waiting that I felt God breathe His words into me, that I understood the importance of patience and love and compassion and fervent prayer. And it was in the waiting that I gave my answer.
Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.
Then, the wait was over, and everything began happening so fast. My parents said yes, I applied, and on January 15th I was accepted.
So, with all that being said, I’m going on The World Race!!! I’ll be traveling to Costa Rica, Cambodia, and Swaziland with a bunch of other passionate Jesus-freaks, spreading the gospel and loving on new people and loving the Lord! I am so excited to begin this journey and to follow the Lord’s leading in my life; I can barely talk about it without screaming.
And, I’m gonna need some help! I’ve gotta raise $16,600, which will cover all of my travel expenses, my food, and all other necessities I’ll need for this trip. The little DONATE button at the top of my page allows you to donate online, and, guess what? All donations are tax deductible! How cool is that?! Also, I’ll begin selling some stuff very soon to help with raising this money! So keep an eye out!
Most importantly, I ask that you guys would pray for me during this process. I believe in the power of prayer, in the fact that the Lord is always listening. And I believe that with Him, we can totally do this together!
Thank you for walking along this journey with me (and for reading this excessively long blog haha), I am so grateful to have such a supportive group of people to love and who love me!
So, this is it. This is my answer. And He’s asking me, still.
Susan, do you love me?
And still I respond.
Yes, Lord.
