I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this… And I take two steps forward.
I will not cry. I really do not want to be here… Two more steps forward.
I hate this… I can't believe I'm doing this. I do NOT want to be here. Why am I here? I could just walk away. I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE… Two steps forward.
That's what this moment is to me. A series of hating every bit of where I'm walking into and what I'm about to do…and of taking two more steps.
We are walking into an elderly home and that is all I can think. I hate homes like this. They tear me apart in ways I don't want to deal with. I don't want to onset of memories walking into one will bring. I don't want to see my great-grandparents deteriorating before me. I don't want to remember how sad they seemed. I don't want to remember how they'd forgotten everything. I don't want to remember how they died. I don't want to see the same sadness and aloneness and misery on anyone else's face… And I have no doubt that's exactly what's about to happen…
Earlier, our contact was telling us what to expect and what we needed to do and I was inwardly cringing at everything she said:
"Go spend time with them and just talk," I suck at small talk.
"Don't be afraid to hold their hand or to touch or rub their shoulders…" (trying not to blanch outwardly or gag) Do I really have to?
"Make sure you have a translator…" Oh, great. Someone gets to witness me trying to cover my fear and inability to chit-chat. Lovely.
I rejected everything thing that was being asked of us and cringed inwardly at the thought… And I don't mind admitting it… Why not? Because I did it anyway. I continued to say yes when every fiber of my being screamed NO!!!
I wish there was a profound lesson that I learned or that I could say that my world was rocked and changed, but I didn't and it wasn't. It was just re-affirmed (yet again) that this life is a series of choices. A set of chances to say yes when it's the last thing you want to do. And most of these choices are small and seemingly inconsequential… To you.
But maybe not to those people whose hands you took time to hold. To those you talked to who haven't had a visitor in months. To those others avoid because they don't want to take on the burden, but that you gave the gift of your time.
In the end, I really just keep asking myself: Is there someone this choice will matter to? How far am I willing to go with my yes? Am I willing to run out of my comfort zone to find the one whose life I can influence?
Would you be willing to?
Until next time!!
