The facts:
“Don’t have any expectations.” That simple phrase is perhaps the most well-known phrase among World Racers (and those who are preparing to be World Racers).
For almost a year, our squad, S squad, was set to travel to China, Philippines, Malaysia, Thailand, Cambodia, Uganda, Rwanda, Ethiopia, Romania, Serbia, and Albania. A few months ago, we had a freaking out moment as a squad when our route seemed to change almost fully, overnight. It was a shock and a huge challenge emotionally. As it turned out, our route was not changed. A glitch in their website as they updated it messed up many of the routes, including ours.
We thought we could survive anything as a squad.
Our squad continued to grow, both in size and in depth. New people transferred in when route five was eliminated due to being a very small squad. We welcomed them in with open arms.
We laughed and dreamed of finally meeting up face to face at training camp. Sure, we were the complete underdog in Squad Wars, but we were going to come into training camp and win it all!! (#dontmesswithS #tooblueforyou)
This past Wednesday, our squad got an unexpected round of news. Due to the fact that our squad still did not have enough people on it, Adventures in Missions had to make the very, very difficult decision to also cancel our route.
We were given the option to transfer to one of the three remaining July squads or one of the September squads. If that wasn’t enough emotional confusion in one email, we had to decide our preferences for a new route in less than 24 hours. To make matters even MORE stressful, I had to work Wednesday evening and Thursday morning. I basically had to choose a new route in a matter of a few hours. I’m not the kind of person who enjoys making such huge decisions in such a short amount of time. I’m more of the “make a list and pray about every part of it, come back to it, and pray some more” mindset when it comes to making decisions. My mind was overwhelmed, my heart was confused, and I couldn’t stop crying. I barely stopped crying by the time I got to work. I spent most of my time at work staring at the list I had made, praying for wisdom and guidance.
My new route, barring any additional changes, is now Albania, Romania, Malawi, Zambia, Thailand, Cambodia, Malaysia, Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia, and Chile.
The emotions:
“Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior.”–Hillsong United, “Oceans”
I shouldn’t be singing “Oceans” if I am not ready to TRULY be led where my trust is without borders.
I know both in my head and my heart all the things that can and will be said about how I should be acting in this situation.
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“God wasn’t surprised at this change.”
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“God is still faithful.”
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“He is still my loving Father.”
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“God still works out all things for good.”
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“God is still sovereign.”
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“It’s not about me or my feelings, but rather, trusting Him and being obedient to do His will.”
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“His thoughts and plans are higher than mine.”
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“It will all work out in the end.”
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“The fact that I’m this upset over something as small as countries being shifted must mean that I was being selfish and idolizing those places above God. On a similar note, I don’t have enough faith.”
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“The specific countries don’t matter as long as His word is preached.”
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“(Insert your own statement here.)”
However, that knowledge and belief does not prevent my heart from being broken, hurt, and VERY confused. It doesn’t stop the tears coming down my face.
I shared with my squad back in September during our first route scare, “I honestly feel as if I’m mourning the loss of a loved one. I know that sounds extreme, but it’s how my heart is right now.”
Our culture really doesn’t talk about grief. Grief isn’t just the roller-coaster of emotions someone goes through after the death of a loved one. Grief is a sense of loss, among other things. Not only are we losing our original countries, we are losing our squad itself. Never again will we be S squad. We had plans and dreams as a squad–meeting up before training camp, dancing at the Great Wall of China (#breakitdowninChinatown), bringing our love of tacos to every country on our route, and simply living life together as a squad. We were looking forward to making even more inside jokes than we already have; our bonds as a family would continue to grow deeper and deeper. Yes, a new adventure awaits all of us, but this transition isn’t easy. Confusion and doubts have filled our hearts and minds. To quote from another former S squad member, this experience “feels like going through a breakup.”
Even so, God is still holding out His hand, asking one simple question.
“Do you trust Me?”
When we pray “dangerous” prayers, our comfort isn’t guaranteed. Prayers like, “Inconvenience us for the sake of the Gospel,” “Not my will, but Yours be done,” “I give my life to follow everything I believe in, now I surrender,” “Yes, Lord,” and “Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders” are prayers that can only be fully answered with the fullness of God. Praying these kinds of prayers require a heart that is fully submissive and fully trusting, no matter what the outcome. Is this the way I envisioned my World Race unfolding? Absolutely not. Even though I will not be in China, Philippines, Uganda, Rwanda, Ethiopia, or Serbia in the near future, I know that God is still at work in those nations. The prayers that I’ve prayed on behalf of those nations are not going unheard. I still love those nations, and am not giving up hope of setting foot in them someday, for the glory of God.
But losing S squad still isn’t easy. I’m still upset, dazed, confused, and overwhelmed. It’s less than two weeks away from training camp, and I won’t be going to training camp with my fam bam. Sure, I’ll make new friends on my new squad–and some S squad members ARE on my new squad (thanks, Jesus!)–but it’s going to be a challenge. I was one of the first people on S squad, and now I’m the new kid. I’m shy at first, so being the shy, new, confused kid doesn’t sound like fun to me. I don’t remember what my new squad’s spirit color is. I don’t know the inside jokes, the hashtags, the memories. My heart is still prepared to go to China in less than a month, not Albania. I haven’t prayed over these new countries, at all. I can’t even name all of my route yet.
“Do you trust Me?”
Even though this switch has come as a major stressor, the source of much confusion, and a reason to cry, I am choosing to act in faith and obedience. I am still launching as a member of a July 2015 World Race squad. I fully trust the leadership that has been placed over me. Trusting does not always mean comfort. Trusting means knowing that the other person has your best interests at heart, even in the midst of pain. Trusting means to rely on another person, fully. Trusting is a full surrender. One of the roles of the Holy Spirit is Comforter. In the words of Francis Chan from Passion 2010, “Why would you need a Comforter if you’re comfortable?” The Holy Spirit has brought me comfort and peace in the midst of hurt, confusion, doubt, sadness, and chaos.
I don’t know what being on this new squad will bring me.
I don’t know if our route will get changed again.
I do know that the Lord has called me to the nations.
I do know that this is the time to go.
I do know that my comfort isn’t the end goal of this trip (that would be called a vacation).
I do know that I will always miss S squad.
I do know that the Lord is doing a new thing.
I do know that He will be glorified.
I do know that I trust Him.
#Ssquad
#SquatSquad
#SquatSquadforlife
#ShaanSquad
#Sha’anSquad
#tooblueforyou
#dontmesswithS
