I have a secret for you.
I struggle with vulnerability, both with people and with God. I have heard time and time again that my story and my experiences carry much power, importance, and value. I have been able to believe these statements about the positive, joy-filled moments of my life. It has been much harder–almost impossible–for me to believe the same about the struggles that I have faced.
A common phrase said about the World Race is, “The World Race is what you make of it.” Our time in Albania provided us with sporadic ministry opportunities. My team had a lot of time to strengthen our friendships and grow together. We created opportunities to share deep parts of our hearts. I often only shared a partial glimpse of my heart.
In between ministry for our first and second month, our entire squad gathered for “debrief”–a time to rest and process our experience on the Race thus far. During our first night of debrief, our squad mentor talked to us about vulnerability. She challenged us to be vulnerable with each other, right then and there. The challenge was to stand and share a struggle that we are facing. People spoke with tears streaming down their faces; voices were filled with doubt and brokenness.The night ended with almost all of R squad having stood and put words to a battle within their heart.
I prayed as others shared. “God, is there anything You want me to share? Why am I feeling so distant from You in this moment? Why can’t I hear what You are telling me?” I had a vague idea of what I was struggling with, but I could not pinpoint a word or phrase to sum it up. I have never been a fan of public speaking; the idea of standing in front of over fifty people to share a struggle I was enduring wrapped me in fear. Being vulnerable is letting others see the real you. Your heart is exposed to whatever response they choose–positive or negative.
The time for sharing winded down, and the Holy Spirit gave me understanding of what I had been asking for in prayer. Tears were streaming down my face. My heart started to pound faster and faster. I knew that I was being prompted to stand up and share. Before ending the session, our mentor spoke aloud. “I sense that someone else wants to share, but they are afraid. God, give them the boldness to share.” She waited; my tears and my heart quickened.
I never stood up, even though I knew she was praying about me.
It took me many days and many prayer times to realize why I hadn’t stood and shared.
Mark 5:21-34 tells the story of a woman desperate to touch Jesus. She had suffered from bleeding for twelve years. According to the Old Testament law, she was considered “unclean,” which banned her from being in public. She was covered and immersed in shame, from society, from her family, from herself. Jesus was walking by, surrounded by a crowd jostling Him. She was so desperate for the healing only He could offer that she reached out and touched the hem of His garment. As a woman, she had no right to reach out and touch a man, especially a rabbi.
“At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, ‘Who touched my clothes?’
‘You see the people crowding against you,’ his disciples answered, ‘ and yet you can ask, “Who touched me?”
But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth.” –Mark 5:30-33
The woman knew in that moment that she had been found out. Her hiding had become known. Surely her rash actions would yield unpleasant consequences. She could be stoned for such an action. Instead of retreating to the comfort of her shame, she stepped into boldness. She told Jesus the whole truth.
I struggled with being vulnerable with my squad because I had not been fully vulnerable with Jesus. I had not told Him the whole truth about the struggles that my heart was enduring. I wanted to establish limits for how much of my struggles, doubts, shortcomings, and fears Jesus was allowed to know. I had been rejected and hurt in the past from being fully honest and vulnerable with people. Without realizing it, I had treated God the same way I had treated my past circumstances.
A continuation of this blog will be posted soon.
Have you ever hidden the full truth from God? What would it take for you to become fully vulnerable with God?
