I’m staring at a blank page, and feel at a great loss to fill it with words of any value. I want to write to you about this amazing journey I’m on, about relationships with women that I have been blessed to make, about my heart leaping out of my chest with passion, but instead I feel led to write what is really going on in my thoughts, about the journey I have found myself on…
In writing this, I fear judgment, if I’m to be completely honest. Here I go. The first couple days in Cambodia my journey was met with a hindered ability to hear God, and an uncommon apathy- both of which I had never really experienced and certainly didn’t expect to find while on the mission field. I mean, I didn’t miss a single person in the slightest degree, not even the people that normally light up my life. I was close to numb…. For those of you that know me, this is NOT me. Then I realized through some of our cultural training that a spirit of apathy and confusion are over this city…. Makes sense now, I was being attacked. Battles are real, and they are of a spiritual kind, against principalities and powers. But I stand in knowing that He who is in me is greater than the one that is in the world. I will not be distracted from my purpose or God.s plan!
So, here’s the humorous part in praying for my passion to return, for my heart to jump, my ears to hear and my eyes to see. The night before we met in person with our ministry contact, we were told of possible areas we would be serving, although nothing was certain. The role that was presented as a possibility to me and another teammate, was beyond my dreams! It woke me up! Passion stirred again, to the point that i teared up in just hearing the description. There was incredible joy, passion, excitement. I was normal again and could see a dream coming true. Well, the next day we learned about our role with the organization, and while it is an incredible opportunity to help an amazing ministry, it was nothing I expected or envisioned I would be doing… I mean nothing…. My heart sank, and again a stirring of other emotions hit me, disappointment, frustration, doubt, sadness- pretty much any emotion you could think possible when you see a dream so close to being realized and then have it taken away for something else. I wrestled with this for the rest of the evening. And what I came to realize, is that I am here to serve however God has planned, not how I haved planned. So I praise him for the opportunity to serve.
While i saw my dream fade, two of my teammates saw theirs realized. I am so happy for them, that they get to experience working on something so perfect for them…. And I realize that my role is to serve them, however I best can, towards providing something incredible for this ministry. By choosing to see with a changed heart, I have also come to realize that the project we are working on is going to help empower these women, enhance their worth, and provide opportunities for them to learn the joy that comes from serving…. How awesome is that! Our project will go on to benefit the girls and others in the community beyond our time here in Cambodia! It will open their eyes to what it means to serve others from their hearts.
So to summarize, I guess this stretching first week has opened my eyes to the spiritual warfare that is all around us. It has made me aware of putting on my armor daily. It has also taught me early on to be fluid, not just flexible, to focus on His plans and lay whatever I planned or expected at his feet, to not let disappointment distract me from the work I have ahead- rather to focus on how my gifts can benefit the assignment we have been given. Lastly, it has taught me how to be content whatever the circumstances, and how to serve others in attaining their dreams.
