I tend to be the type of person that refrains from speaking if I don’t have something to say, and if I’m to be completely honest, I can also tend to be that person that refrains from sharing even when I might have something of value to speak. To illustrate, I wrote this blog prior to the last one I posted, but refrained from submitting it. I may have even deleted some parts as well. While this happens less than it used to, I began to see this tendency in me resurface to a degree when entering this new community, similar to how it did in the past when I viewed those around me as somehow more spiritually mature or fit because they had more biblical training, etc. Although the oldest on my team of six, I often felt as though I was the youngest in regards to walking/operating out of gifts….. We are all learning and being refined, but as you can imagine, the feelings I experienced have been rather humbling. I knew this would happen though, that I would feel this way. And yes, being a counselor, I know that feelings are not facts. The first couple weeks after my second blog I was silent, not writing much, due to trying to find the right words to write this blog along with the courage to write it. I had to do a considerable amount of processing that isn’t over yet in its entirety. Frankly, I don’t want to write about how I am being stretched, as I know you my readers want to hear about what is happening in the lives of the ones we came to help… I promise the service day blog will follow shortly, as it is already written. I feel led to share this blog, even if just for the sole purpose of explaining, but not justifying my silence those initial weeks.
I found myself early on in a place of tension and confusion. The tension while uncomfortable and frustrating to a degree, was not of a negative kind, rather it was purposed to call me into something greater, something I’ve desired for years- stretching and pushing me. People have shared in the past, and now again in the present that I should be operating out of a certain gift, a gift that while I have desired it for years seemed to have remained elusive to a large degree. It was terribly confusing and frustrating to have someone say something is in you, something you desire to operate out of, but have no idea how to access. Another example would be others sharing with me to grow in confidence and assertiveness, in an earlier season in life (thanks for this, btw). You know you want those things that others see for you and want you to grow in, but it can be so challenging knowing how to step into what is being called out of you. Can anyone relate?
But here’s the thing. As much as I disliked the tension and confusion, it challenged me. It caused me to ask Him questions, to seek His answer. It was uncomfortable, but also exciting, because I knew I was and am growing, I am not stagnant. One night my team prayed for me, per my request, as I was just needing to be reminded of how God saw me, of who I was in Him. Well, I didn’t hear what I was hoping for, but I heard what I needed. It was difficult, as what I heard was again more about how God wants to reveal more to me, move me to new places with Him, but that what was hindering me from that may be possibly fear of possible sacrifice and the responsibility that comes with knowing more of God. The other thing I heard was that instead of needing to be reminded of who I was in God, I may struggle more with being afraid of what I am capable of in Him. I struggled with what I heard, wrestling alone with it quietly. It was hard to hear, that fear of sacrifice could be hindering me, as in my mind I had just left everything I knew, my community, my job/ministry, my incredible boyfriend, my family… What was left? Well, I’m still chewing on it, but it’s good. I think any pride I have left is getting striped away, which is painful but awesome. What I can make of it so far, is this… I don’t like to look like a fool, but sometimes when walking with God, He may call you to step out and it may seem crazy. He may whisper to you, to go share with that person you may or may not know, something that he has put on your heart. I have struggled with this, thinking, God, that person is going to think I am crazy or just weird. And I have admittedly refrained from sharing at times. Pretty ridiculous, I know. It’s time for me to sacrifice that last bit of me that cares about how I appear to others. It should only matter, how I appear to God. Being weird in this sense, is probably pretty beautiful to him, a lot more than self protection and care for appearance. So that is where sacrifice and responsibility come into play , where I am growing now.
So, I’ve come to realize that the tension was good. Hearing what I wanted that night when my teammates prayed for me, wouldn’t have moved me to the place I am being called to step into now. I’ve determined that God is not rallying people around me to comfort me and tell me I’m great and lovely, and that He is enthralled with my beauty. What He is doing though, is rallying people around me to say that I am not finished yet, that I am being refined, that I am being called to be greater in Him, that I need to step it up. He is calling me to be holy and righteous, which can only be achieved through Him working out my impurities, Him stretching me past my comfort zone and confidence… it never ends. As Anthony Chapman would say, He is disturbing my present with the intention of preparing me for my future. Instead of seeing it as I am not enough, I chose to see it as He loves me enough to make me more like Him. I am not a failure. I am chosen to be sharpened for a purpose. This helps me see his amazing love. Focusing on this love and purpose has helped me and will continue to help me stay the course in the middle of the discomfort.
So, there you have it. I apologize yet again for the focus being on the process in which I find myself. While I would have liked to skip over this blog, I felt nudged to share it, even if for the sole purpose of just living out of what I have and will continue to learn through the tension: to voice my thoughts more, to push past my comfort zone, to be confident in knowing that I have something to offer because God is working in me, and to share what God is teaching me, even if it may seem elementary or crazy. So I will continue to take these baby steps, as I’m the only one who can claim what has been spoken for me. The last week or so, which is actually several weeks after writing this blog, has been incredible to see how God is giving me more confidence and boldness. I have to wrestle through some more tension, but I know that it is a good tension, a beautiful process intent on making more holy, not comfortable.
