What compels a person to seek? Why do some people struggle
and claw and fight their way to the top? And, yet, others succumb and give in
to what they consider monotonous life? How does either know they are right or
wrong? What if the seeker continues to seek and the giver continues to give and
neither discovers the fleeting life that they seek or expect? Is one more
rewarded than the other or are they both equally deluded?
In my limited experience, I believe it depends on what they
are seeking after. Is it money, fame, success, happiness, or something more
elusive like inner satisfaction? I have known something of this longing. I have
spent the better part of the last five years feeling as if there had to be
something more and I seemed to forever be perpetually stagnated in the waiting
room of life. I hated it and only grew more and more frustrated by it.
The hardest part for me is that I was following after the
Lord as a new Christian. I wanted my life to be exciting! I wanted to be used
to tell people about Jesus. I wanted to be counted and measured and found to be
fulfilling the call on my life! Instead, I found myself in utter despair,
feeling a sense of loss, and complete hopelessness. I felt resigned to a path
that I had no control over and no passion for the life I was leading.
Looking back on those feelings, I feel as if that waiting
room was actually more of a birthing room. I had to use the continual
frustration and discouragement to keep stretching for my unknown dreams and
further hone my deepest desires in order to have the strength to break out of
that room in pursuit of the dreams of my heart. I could have succumbed and
maintained my life in the waiting room. Yet, I think breaking free is all that
much sweeter because I struggled with God and myself about the purposes of my
life.
Now, facing the very dreams of my heart, which at this point
is the World Race and traveling for Jesus, I feel fear start to creep in. My
human nature craves safety and comfort; whispering all the time that at least
the waiting room had a warm bed, health insurance, and security. There’s no
telling what I will encounter outside of the room. Danger lurks around every
corner. Yet, now I can more deeply sense the delight of the Lord. I know that
He watches over my every step. If he cares for every sparrow, how much more He
cares for His children. He will not allow me to step outside of His glorious
plans and, no matter what happens, I am learning to trust that He has it all in
mind to make me more into the person He has created me to be!
