“When the day is done, and there’s no one else around, while
I’m lying here in bed you’re in my heart, you’re in my head. You’re all I need.
You’re all I need. There are a million voices calling out my name. You’re the
one I want to hear to make the others disappear. You’re all I need, you’re all
I need. I’m drawn to everything that you do, nothing compares with you. You are
all I need when I’m surrounded. You are all I need if I’m by myself. You fill
me when I’m empty. There is nothing else” (Bethany Dillon, “You’re All I
Need”).
This was one of those mornings where I felt compelled to ask
God some tough questions. Specifically, I asked him if there is anything in me
that is holding me back from hearing, listening, and obeying Him. The whispered
answer in my spirit was pride. Immediately, my indignation rose and I began to
offer explanations and excuses for why this couldn’t be right. I struggle with
self-esteem, God, and I never think of myself as better than others (most of
the time)—how can I struggle with pride?
Again, prideful instances in my life flashed into my mind—instances
that I would not have considered prideful. Instances where I refused to ask for
help, believed that I could solve all my own problems, saw myself as strong
(physically, emotionally, spiritually), stubbornly refused to let God or others
provide for me. I have built walls to support myself and keep others out.
As I turned to the Bible, I sought God’s words about pride
and boy did I find them! I think one of the best visuals of pride was Goliath.
He approached the Israelites in his physical strength, mocking them and God. In
his case, pride literally went before destruction and a haughty spirit before
his fall. David took him out with one smooth stone—a direct hit to the forehead,
another visual of the seat of pride in our minds.
The tough part about laying down pride is the
counter-cultural aspect. As an American, I have been built on independence and
an extreme desire to provide for myself without the help of others. The very
thought of giving up on myself sends my mind and body into complete revulsion.
How could I even think of letting go of my life? Who will take care of me? What
if I get hurt? What if I die? What if I’m not comfortable? What if…
My spirit gently whispers, “The Lord is mighty to save. He
is more than able to protect you. And, if He allows suffering, it is nothing in
comparison to the greatness of knowing Him. What are you living for if not for
Him? This world is temporal and fleeting—here today and gone tomorrow. The only
certainty in this life is that you will one day be with Him.”
Going back to my Bible search, I found a story about Ezekiel
that disturbed me to humility and silence. He certainly knew of the greater
good of seeking after the Lord. God told Ezekiel that in order to communicate
to the Israelites His displeasure with their pride, Ezekiel’s wife (his heart’s
delight) would die and Ezekiel would not be allowed to mourn for her in the traditional manner. That
evening, the Lord’s words came true and Ezekiel’s wife died. In complete
obedience, Ezekiel did not mourn and spoke to the people about their pride of Jerusalem, which would be
taken away from them and destroyed, and, in the same way, they would not be allowed to mourn.
When I read that, I was stunned. I had read about Abraham who put his son on
the altar as a sacrifice to the Lord. But, Isaac was saved before Abraham
sacrificed him. Here was a man who had been following wholeheartedly after the
Lord and his wife was taken from him to make an example for God’s people. And
the book of Ezekiel doesn’t end there. Ezekiel continues on, hearing from the
Lord and preaching to the people. Talk about understanding the temporary nature
of our world!
I want a fraction of that faith to be able to walk in
confidence that no matter what befalls me, I have put my trust in the Lord.
Pride is not beneficial! It will only keep me from truly walking out my
Christian faith and chain me to this materialistic, temporary existence.
“I give up. I surrender. I throw in the towel; exposing my
weakness to infinite power. With all of my weight I lean heavy on you, with the
bags on my back and in both my hands too. I fall, I fall on you. I fall, I fall
on you. See my world keeps spinning out of control, and I’m dizzy from trying
to stand on my own but you promise to catch me if I tumble down because the way
to the sky starts low on the ground. I fall, I fall on you. I fall, I fall on
you” (Nicole C. Mullen, “Fall”).
