Since coming back to the United
States from the World Race just over two months ago, I
have been experiencing mountaintops and valleys all with the visual reminders
of actual mountains as I have moved to Denver,
Colorado. Denver has provided a place for me to process
some of the events of the past year. I know I still have more to do, but I am
thankful for the lessons the Lord has begun to reveal and unveil.
Most recently, I accompanied my best friend, Joel
Chitwood, and one of his friends, Chris, on a winter mountain climbing
adventure in the Sangre de Cristo range of southern Colorado. I have been hiking with Joel
before, so I knew that some of the things to expect were lots of snow, lots of
challenge and lots of beautiful scenery. However, experience on the World Race
should have prepared for me for one more thing…God will use any opportunity to grow and stretch His beloved ones, including me!
The plan was to climb a 14,000 foot peak called Crestone Needle in one day and camp back at the trailhead
for the night. The entire roundtrip was planned to be 6.25 miles with an
elevation gain of approximately 3,000 feet and an estimated time of reaching
the top of the Needle around 6pm (six hours after leaving the beginning of the
trailhead). Our first indication that things would need to change occurred when
we could not drive up to the trailhead because snow filled the road ahead of
us, rendering even four wheel drive useless. Thus, we were required to hike an additional two miles to reach the planned trailhead, adding four miles and 2500 feet in elevation to our proposed trek. As we hiked the snowy
road, eventually donning the snowshoes I reluctantly packed, frustration grew
within my heart. The beauty of clear blue skies, sunshine reflecting off of
snow-covered peaks, and crisp mountain air should have been enough to keep my
heart singing. Instead, my attention was drawn to the slippery trail where
every step forward seemed to slip back two steps, my inability to keep up with
the two guys I was hiking with which diminished my struggling pride, and the
continuing upward climb at this early stage which placed a large demand on my
already burning lungs and muscles.
Chris and I at the beginning of the trail hike, still smiling!
Finally, we reached the original trailhead where we got the first glimpse of the Needle and as I looked up at the rocky mountain peak, with snow swirling of the top, shuddering in the cold wind and faced with the reality of the challenge, I felt my heart sink further. Almost everything within me screamed to turn around, to quit this insane journey: my mind, my muscles, even most of my heart. Yet there remained a still quiet voice that urged continuing on toward the challenge. I pushed all of my doubts to the back of my mind and determined to put one foot in front of the other as I gritted my teeth against pain and cold and negativity. Gritting my teeth should have been my first clue that I wasn’t approaching this hike with the right attitude…
The first view of the Needle…
Soon, we reached even deeper snow, where I fell in numerous times up to my hips. As I tried to pull myself out of the snow, I would only sink further as I could not find any solid footing beneath me. At this point, my fear of failure, my pride, my frustration in the midst of the physical struggle were all surrounding me, rising higher and higher, leering at me, pointing accusing fingers into my wounded, fearful heart. Questions within my own heart soon began to rise to the surface of my mind: “Is this even who I am? Do I even like climbing mountains? How do I ever think I’ll be able to handle more challenges from the Lord or even be a part of His Kingdom if I cannot withstand the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual tests of this climb?” The struggle within became so intense that soon my battle became outwardly apparent to my climbing companions as I began to cry, swear, yell, punch the snow and refuse to continue.
As I sat on the side of the mountain, wallowing in what appeared to be my discomfort and inability to complete this challenge, Joel approached me and told me, “I don’t care about summiting this mountain. The only joy I have in it is to complete it with you and Chris.”
I responded, “I don’t care. Just leave me here. You can find me when you come back down after summiting. I’m done.”
“Summer, I know that deep within there is part of you that wants to complete this. If you quit now, I know you’ll wish you hadn’t. I’m not going to go up if you don’t. I’m going to stay right here.”
“YOU DON’T KNOW ME. YOU’RE A JERK AND I’M NOT CLIMBING ANYMORE OF THIS MOUNTAIN! I’M DONE. I’M SO DONE!!”
After sitting quietly seething for a while on the mountain staring at the top of the mountain, which was now also starting to leer at me, I looked at Joel and said, “The only reason I’m going to keep climbing this mountain is because I know that if I don’t you won’t. That’s it. It’s not because I love this or because I have strength or because I want to see the top. It’s only because of YOU.” (That last part was said with a lot of anger, spit, malice, and rage.) With that, I dug my frozen hands into the snow and crawled, crying and sobbing with snot dripping out of my nose, foot by frozen foot along the treacherous snow chutes until I could pull myself into the saddle of the mountain. By this time, the sun was setting, filling the clouds with a beautiful yellow light and drawing the brown hues of the mountains to brilliance with the contrast of the shimmering snows dusting the rocky ridges. (I was still completely distraught and refusing to take one step to look at the sight as I huddled into the shadow of the mountain to shovel in the sustenance of the hiker’s trail mix I was jealously guarding in my gloved hands.) While the guys ate food, joked, and marveled at the beauty surrounding them, I glared at them and reminded them yet again, “I’m not going any further unless we are headed down the mountain and toward the car.” Finally, it was deemed time to
hike back down the mountain and I felt I was returning a different person. I
have to admit, I felt a bit ashamed of my behavior, yet at the same time I felt
triumphant.
This is the face of someone who is READY TO BE DONE!
I had looked at what felt like
death straight in the face, swearing, crying, and behaving like a screaming,
tantrum-throwing toddler, yet God was working. Throughout the entire
experience, the Enemy shouted, “You’re incapable! Joel is ashamed of you! You’re
not worthy! You can’t do this! How do you think you’ll make it if you go to North Africa in the desert and the mountains if you
can’t make it here? You might as well GIVE UP.” Oh, but the Lord is so
faithful! He would whisper, “This is training for North Africa. It won’t be easy there, but you will make it if you keep
your eyes focused on me. Keep going, Daughter. My strength is made perfect in weakness.” I had to incline my ear
to really hear Him over the other screaming, yet His quiet voice had given me strength
to train my eyes on the heights of the mountain, gaze to heaven, and propel
myself toward the peak.
“God is faithful; he will not let you be
tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also
provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
(I will be going to Spain and North Africa with Youth With A Mission (YWAM) in January for a Discipleship Training School (DTS) that finishes in July. If you would like to stay connected with or support me, I have a different blog: http://globalsummer.blogspot.com/ where you can subscribe to my blog updates and donate as well. Thank you!)
